Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Bacon Sandwich

APRIL 24, 2011

Seriously, I'm beginning to get suspicious.

At least every three months I wander into my in-laws bathroom to see my mother-in-law, who I do not personally find to be the most attractive woman you'd meet, squatted down and wiping her bacon sandwich after going to the toilet. The door has a lock, but the silly woman cannot learn to shut the freaking thing. It's beginning to make me feel somewhat uneasy. Happened again this morning. It's just not right.

Worse than that is the entire family seem to think it's okay to announce to the whole room that they've just had a poo. My mother-in-law in particular is more than happy to do this. She'll wander into the living-room and say, "I've put the fan on in the bathroom" which basically means that she'd had a gigantic bran-barge and had stunk up the room. Even worse - they have the temerity to knock on the door whilst I'm in there having a poo and ask loudly, "are you going to be long?" Three things here -:

1 - This is basically asking for a progress report. Which I can only think means requesting a detailed account of what has already passed, and therefore what remains. This would require publicizing the sort of length, girth, weight and density poo I am currently having. And all of this detail summarized into a time period. "I'll be two minutes" is clearly considerably lighter, smaller and more malleable than if I respond, "come back in five minutes and I'll have a better read by then." Which I'm not going to do. At least not with my family. That's what the internet is for.

2 - Why would anyone think this will have any affect on my rate of progress? I'm not deliberately taking it easy in there. I want that thing out. Yelling through the door will not lead me to move up a gear. And think about this - someone has thrown all decorum out the window and has pressed their ear up against the toilet door whilst I'm pooing and has publicly let it be known to the entire house that they are doing so. Weirder still is that then I know that even though I can't hear it, they have wandered into the kitchen and told everyone what kind of time I'm making.

3 - All this does is announce to the entire listening public that not only am I pooing, but that you are also carrying a poo, and that you think your poo should take priority over mine. One can only imagine the horrifying statistics in a game of Top Trumps that followed this logic. And I am very sad to say that I have been involved in an incident where the above happened and then 30 seconds later the same person knocked on the door again as if they had actually been using a stop watch and expected me to keep to any and all promises made.

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