APRIL 17, 2011
I feel I have not adequately explained the developmental stage of a boy's life where he feels the need to rub his knob with a spoon. If you don't have kids you will be totally in the dark about this. Some of you with kids may have also missed this too. Not to worry - I'm here to help. And I assure you this is an institutionalized developmental stage recognized by the entire medical establishment in the United States. Think about it - why else do you think that hospitals in the US give you spoon when your kids is born?
If you do have kids and they haven't done this, then you're doing it wrong. Don't worry - there is plenty of time to turn it around. Although if they have started dipping there winkie into things like egg cups then they've probably caught The Gay already. Not the real one - that's perfectly fine. I'm talking about the imaginary scary one that Rick Santorum warns about - the one where he says that if you allow gay people to behave that way then suddenly kids in school will start thinking it's okay to fuck dogs. Add if your son has already started squatting their plums into actual tea and coffee cups then I'm afraid they may already be a full blown Republican.
Touching your willy with a spoon can happen at any age in a boy's development. And I do mean any. There is a strong possibility that you could come home one day to even find your husband rubbing his plonker with all kinds of cooking utensils - it simply may not have happened for him yet. I was an early bloomer apparently - I've been brushing forks against my willy since 1984.
It is therefore your job to ensure that your cookware and cutlery is all good quality stuff. It is frankly irresponsible to keep wooden spoons with giant splintered edges, or over-sharpened knives in your drawers (so to speak). It should now became really apparent to you that all that cookware stuff that is sold as "arthritis-friendly" was intended for the purpose of plum-rubbing. Everyone knows that arthritis in this sense is just polite code-wording for "good for touching your totem pole with." The big round edges. The smooth handles. You may have thought these were all made with your Gran in mind. No - they were made for your man's trouser-snake. These are products made with love.
Anyway - the best course of action here is to steer your boy/man/Dad towards spoon touching. It's the safest, most normal, and frankly most rewarding version of male life-development. I know it will seem strange at first - especially if you've never even heard of this before. Or if you're a single-mother with a small boy - again don't panic - you'll get your boy shinning a teaspoon with his cucumber before the Summer is out.
Trust me - every boy remembers his first spoon.
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