Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Dr. Bonk And The Jeans Of Justice

MAY 1, 2011

About five minutes ago I came out of the bathroom after brushing my teeth to find my daughter dressed up in one of my wife's neglige night-gowns. My son had managed to stretch one of her g-strings around his torso. He looked way to impressed with himself. My daughter - totally unaware of how much I'm creeped out by child beauty pageants - managed to make the whole thing even creepier by yelling, "look Daddy!! I look like Jesus!!"

This week I introduced two new games to the World. First came the new episode of Dr. Bonk. My son is Dr. Bonk - he runs around the room whilst my daughter and I hide under a blanket. Then he "bonks" us. That's pretty much it but with a kids imagination (and mine) it get's to be good fun. This week saw the game Dr. Bonk and The Jeans Of Justice played a few times. It's the same old Dr. Bonk - accept that my daughter (or "Princess Bounce" in this particular story) manages to defeat Dr. Bonk by putting on jeans and wrapping him up in the aforementioned blanket. I can get a good hour out of that game. Oddly my daughter gets confused on occasion and calls me Princess Father. I'm actually cool with that.

The other game is an instant classic. It's basically tickling my daughter. But instead of it being completely boring I tell her she is being attacked by Spider Hands and his German assistant - Spider Hans. It even has a song (to the theme tune of Spider Man) that goes, "Spider Hands, Spider Hands, He can do everything Spider Man can, with just his hand." Sometimes she get's attacked by The World's Tiniest Man as well. That's just my index and middle finger running over her. Yesterday she introduced Spider Hands to Sophie The Onion Sniffer. She had a back story and everything. No idea where she got all that info from but can only be good.

Thankfully my daughter also seems to like music as much as I do. And her tastes are every bit as eclectic, it would seem. We bought her an MP3 player that is practically indestructible. For about 3 weeks she would bring it to me asking for certain songs she really likes to be put on it. Now when we do the laundry or take a bath she puts it on. At the moment the first seven songs on it are -:

1 - Fugazi - Cashout
2 - LCD Soundsystem - On Repeat
3 - Old Crow Medicine Show - When Dey Wud No Crawfish
4 - Of Montreal - Wraith Pinned to the Mist and Other Games
5 - Slayer - Americon
6 - Taraf de Haidouks - Cantec de dragoste ca la Roata
7 - Gummi Bear - Nuki Nuki Nuki (evil Euro techno for children - you can't win them all).

At my friends house they play a Barney CD over and over and over and over ad finitum. I understand the appeal of someone like Raffi as a specific musician for kids (the dude can create a melody better than most, that's for sure) - but most of it is just banal garbage. I realize that a lot of people probably wouldn't play Slayer to their kids, but as long as it's not some of their more obvious God Hates Us All stuff I don't see a problem with it. Music is music is music. Find me someone who doesn't like Eleanor Rigby or Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick. Or Sepultura. Alright fair enough.

Even something as simple as this highlights to me that there's plenty of stuff I don't understand about about raising kids. For example - what do you at the store if you have three kids? I saw a sad frustrated woman trying to push two carts around Target with her kids all by herself. I always wore my kids in a sling/wrap/Ergo (still do with my son) so that was a moot point for us, but still.

Why does my son insist on driving his finger into my belly button? It's kind of funny but good Lord it can be uncomfortable. Lately he's even started trying to lick it. I'm pretty sure the W.H.O. have released a specific document warning about that alone.

Why does a child need a six-point harness on their car seat? I'm thirty-five and I can barely open the thing. I mean seriously - they have them on seats for 3 month old kids - as if there was one once that was a half child/half octopus that broke out of their seat - and then proceeded to maraud around the car and incapacitate the driver.

Why is it that if I give a pair of shoes to my daughter she will ALWAYS put them on the wrong feet? Now, she is beyond a smart girl (from the planet Krypton, I swear) but if I asked her to put shoes on 99 out of a 100 times she will put them on the wrong feet. Why? Why, to her, do they look like they should be on the other foot? She can dress herself entirely without any help (nor does she want any.) Sometimes I run outside with my son to get some work done and tell her she can come out when she's done drawing/munching/playing Poisson Rouge (best kids website ever by the way) and she'll come out fully dressed, having done up a belt and managed to get a fleece on over her head. But there's no way her shoes are on the right feet.  Mind you sometimes she puts her coat on upside down and no amount of arguing will convince her it's wrong. Presumably she thinks the hood is to poo in or something.

Why do 80% of people (I made that statistic up but it feels right) insist that their kids should never ever get dirty? I watched two people at a playground screaming at their daughter because she had been playing in the sand and had some dirt on her clothes. The whole place is surrounded by sand. Did they expect her to float? My wife and I witnessed a kid (probably five or six years old) with his grandmother being berated for sliding down the slide, and being firmly urged to "play like a grown up." I know people with 3 year old kids who have no outside clothes. Because they aren't allowed outside. They think we are mental because we just bring the kids out to dig/burrow/investigate. My kids dig for worms, they pile stones, wheelbarrow compost, whatever they feel like. The worst that will happen is they'll eat dirt. Big deal - I'll stop them if they do. Clearly I'm not dressing them up in princess dresses (accept if I'm wearing one - seems mean then not to let them) so I'm not understanding the concern. We were asked if we were worried about stains. "What if they eat animal feces!!" Quite honestly I wasn't planning on cooking that for lunch, but even my one year old knows not to shove that in his mouth. And besides - your kid drinks half a bottle of Coke every day. And the very worst thing that would happen if the kids did eat animal feces is that they might get sick at some point. And then they'd take a pill and be all better.

Someone asked me if I was concerned that my kids would jump into our fire pit. Why would they jump into that? It is either hot, filled with ash, or roaring with flames. Being anywhere near that fire has therefore required an awful lot of teaching the kids not to fart about with it. And what kind of total dick am I that I don't pay attention to my kids whilst I have a fire going? My son knows that hot stuff is hot, and that the fireplace is a hot place. So he doesn't go anywhere near it. My daughter isn't stupid. She is three and three quarters and can identify some of the main trees in the yard by looking at them. She knows what is good fire wood. She knows what few plants and berries to pick for food, and doesn't eat them without checking. She knows not to jump in fire. She knows this because she's a kid, and kids love to learn stuff. She doesn't run off and eat dog shit and put ants in her vagina -  she's not Welsh. Mind you - one time I did find her in the kitchen complaining her mouth hurt because she eaten a handful of cinnamon powder. I understand the concern about accidents, germs and danger. But accidents are exactly that. I broke my shoulder once as a kid walking through the kitchen. My sister nearly went blind in her own bedroom. You can avoid stupidity by teaching your kids about things like fire-pits. And avoiding dirt is very unhealthy.

I let my kids do some things and I am nowhere near an irresponsible parent. In my mind an irresponsible parent is the kind that works all day, leaves their kids with someone else all night whilst they go out and party, and then gets up at 11 then ext morning hung over. Every weekend. That's irresponsible. Some people I know don't let their kids do anything. I have a friend won't let his kids touch books, "because they'll break them." One of their kids is five - which means she already goes to school. That's just mental. It's a simple principle - you can't teach a kid not to draw on the walls unless you explain repeatedly that they are to only draw on paper. We bought my daughter an easel - chalkboard on one side and whiteboard on the other when she was two. Did she draw all over the walls with permanent marker? No - because we didn't give her a permanent marker. And if she somehow found one she'd use it to drawer on the whiteboard. And yet myy niece comes over and she ate the green chalk. All of it. (What the fuck are her parents feeding her by the way?)

How on earth do you get wellies on a one year old? My daughter can get her own on, but shoving them onto my son when we go outside to jump in puddles or just wallow in mud (actually I'm digging up stumps while my kids dig in the mud) is nearly impossible without me thinking I'm going to snap his foot off. He hasn't screamed yet. But surely if he did it would be because I'd ripped his toes off already. It'd be too late then. I can get them on eventually but I'm worried that one day I'll push too hard. 

Lastly - with Easter coming up my daughter has been asking us to explain all sorts about what Easter is. Tried my best and think I did a good job of not making Communion sound like a vampire-human sacrifice ritual. Quite frankly she took to the death of Jesus a lot easier than all this stuff about chocolate eggs and butter lambs. Although come to think of it she did just put on a see-through nightie and claim to be Jesus - not sure where I went wrong there.

On the other hand, the other day after telling her about eggs and whatnot she ran into the living-room in her knickers and yelled, "Look Daddy!!! I laid an egg!!!" She'd filled her underpants with Cadbury's Mini Eggs and was making a good show of shitting them out all over the carpet. She then lay in her own afterbirth (so to speak) and ate them all.

Maybe I should start sneaking her some of my meds......

Daily Dump - Blue

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