Monday, June 27, 2011

Helmet Lollipop

"Princess Father can I please have some juice?"

I forgot to buy juice this morning. Oh well. At least it's reminded me that the kids should drink more water and less juice. My daughter was not pleased when I told her we didn't have any. But instead of going mental she's tried being as ridiculously polite as she could be. She went from Madam to calling me Princess Father pretty quickly. After I kept saying I still couldn't get her any juice even though she'd been nice she actually told me I had to play games with her to make her happy. Fair enough - I was going to anyway.

Unfortunately the game she wanted to play was Tea Party. The only kids tea set she has stays up at Grandma's house. So, exhibiting the kind of class I secretly have deep down inside me, she made me get some jam jars and she spooned some dirty water into them from a five-gallon bucket that had been left out in the rain. Before we'd left for the in-laws my wife had half-filled it with weeds so it now it stank like bog water. I hinted at emptying the bucket and starting over fresh but my daughter wanted none of it. So after the loss of her big pool, the let down about juice and the fact that I did not want to let her ride her bicycle down Woodchip Mountain (a giant pile of wood chips out back that sits on top of a culvert covered in three-quarter-buried jagged bricks and broken glass) I knew I had to just go with playing Tea Party with jam jars filled with crud. The thing is though that my daughter has developed a dialogue for this game. She likes to sit in the garden chairs and say things like, "Lovely day madam - care for some tea?" because I'd said it once or twice in jest. That had then developed into her expecting me to praise whatever drink she'd given me with a ridiculous statement, and then she'd offer another one back that she'd remembered me saying. It basically went like this -:

[My daughter spoons rank bog-water into a jar - and I pretend to sip it]

Me: Mmmm. Ah yes marvelous. This tastes like chocolate angels.

Daughter: Yes madam. Delicious. This one tastes like dolphin kisses.

Thankfully my daughter couldn't bear the smell for very long so she asked me to change-out the water. Which I did but then my son sat in it. So we went off to find black walnuts so I could whack them into the woods with a plastic baseball bat. I've actually discovered an amazing skill - I can tennis-serve a walnut with this bat with amazing accuracy. I used to be pretty good at tennis so maybe I could get back into that when I get some time.

After her demanding a lollipop and insisting she wear a helmet to eat it (I have no idea at all) we plopped about the yard for awhile and picked some peas to nibble on. The garden is looking good and the peas are amazing.

Here are some of the peas.

My daughter saw me poncing around with my new camera (a Fathers Day gift from the kids and my wife - primarily the idea being I use it for videos and leave my wife's Very Expensive Camera in the house) and insisted on taking a photo of me. Her framing and positioning is impeccable.

At lunch-time we came inside because my son was barely able to stay awake at that point. He was furiously rubbing his head and was completely uninterested in eating anything. My daughter stopped napping around thirteen months old even though she still clearly needed more sleep. But she'd just hold out until later in the day and then find reserve energy to fight going to bed. It makes absolutely no sense to not sleep when you're tired. My son hasn't done that and will pretty much beg me to pick him up so he can instantly fall asleep. It's crazy - I'll pick him up and walk inside and he's already asleep on my shoulder. On occasion he will even sit himself down on the couch and conk out. He slept for about forty-five minutes while my daughter re-arranged her room. I have no idea what she's done and I'm not mentally prepared to find out what it is yet. So I haven't looked.

After my son woke up he stole my apple and we've been waiting to go back outside, but my daughter isn't interested. I've called up the stairs but she told me not to come up and that's she's busy playing with Play Doh in her room. So my son has been bumming around with toys for a good twenty minutes now by himself - which he doesn't normally get to do. He's been playing with a toy telephone for a good ten minutes of that. Which has actually led me to ask a simple question - how does my son now how to use a toy rotary phone? He's never even seen a real one. And yet with his toy one he picks up the receiver, dials a number (I swear he even dialed the correct amount of numbers) and then starts blabbing down it. And not in a mimicy, "Hey guys it's me! I've got Welch's 100% Juice Popsicles and I'll meet you at the playground in ten minutes!" No, instead it sounds more like, "You listen to me Commissioner, you get me that airplane or all these bitches are gonna pay."

Alright that's it - we aren't wasting a nice day like this. I'll tell my daughter I want to mow around her pumpkin patch and she can collect slugs. If I tell her that she can collect them in a bucket to make soup out of she'll love that.

Let the mayhem commence.

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