Saturday, June 25, 2011


My daughter loves her Grandparents very much. I'm very glad about this. Their lifestyle is very different to ours, what with being retired and living up in the mountains. They have their own views, prejudices and interests. I don't agree with many of those views and prejudices. As they don't agree with many of mine. As for interests - let's just say that some of their more fervent interests have their own pay-per-view channel and monthly magazines. In fact, if I wrote their interests down they'd be about a foot long (see what I did there? You can't learn that). They are helpful, loving and want to impart as much wisdom to her as they can. Of course, some of this they want to exclusively teach her through Fox News and Judge Judy. Outside of these two fonts of wisdom they will off-hand tell her things to arm her for life. They aren't things that I would have even considered. Luckily they don't spout from aforementioned prejudices and interests either - so no need to remind my daughter that foreigners are actually okay, and that feet mostly are to be only put in socks and shoes no matter what you've learned from Grandpa's computer screensaver. Instead what they tend to revolve around are situations where they have realized they are being tricked.

So far this weekend my little girl has learned -:

1 - There is absolutely no difference between 1% and 2% milk. None. It's all in your head.
2 - Deodorant is a rip off. No smell is a bad smell in real life. In fact, deodorant is designed to start smelling badly after a brief period to con you into putting more on.
3 - Jamie Lee Curtis is a man.

I did address these secretly with my daughter afterwards. I pointed out that there is definitely a difference in milk. Otherwise why would stores spend all that time putting different colored lids on the bottles? It would be a cruel and thankless job for whomever had to do that if it didn't actually matter. Add there's UHT milk, which is patently evil. I did not point out that there are whole swathes of fetishism websites where people recount their experiences sniffing different types of milk - expressing passionate opinions (thankfully that's all they were expressing) on what types of milk they enjoy and why. I didn't think it appropriate to show her. Although it would have very clearly nailed my point for me. I did fluff it a little by saying that some cows are just have better milk than others. Meaning 1% cows and 2% cows. She understood this to mean that some cows just have "nicer boo-boos." I'll have to correct that.

I also pointed out that there are plenty of bad smells - many of which my daughter points out to me every day. I reminded my little girl that while she does not wear deodorant she does wash with strawberry and coconut scented soap, which is pretty much the same thing. Add Grandma and Grandpa live in the mountains where there is actually a season jokingly referred to as Black Fly Season. During which nobody with half a brain would wear deodorant because the bugs are driven wild by it. This collided very strongly with an older lesson though - that mosquitoes don't bite. Her Grandparents told her this because they believe that if she (and anybody else) knows that the bugs bite then they may form a negative view of the place that they live in. Where they live is wonderful. But every few years the Spring is unbearable. You really cannot go outside due to the black blanket of ravenous bugs. All I did here was point to the collection of welts and swollen bumps on my body to show that they do bite. Oddly Grandpa does not actually get bitten though. Grandma does - and loudly complains about it much to his consternation (it's akin to her saying she very much believes in anthropomorphic global warming to him). But Grandpa stands out on the driveway playing with his Jeep and they seem to give him a wide birth. Maybe this is where the mosquito and deodorant issue collides?

Lastly I pointed out to my girl that Jamie Lee Curtis is 99% likely to be a woman. And that I had seen visual proof over the years that had led me to believe that she was a very fine woman. And that many years ago I had repeatedly checked this visual proof just to make sure. I used the milk analogy from earlier here and stated that in the world of milk Jamie Lee Curtis is definitely leaning more toward 2% boo-boos than 1%. Again I wanted to just whip out the Internet here. Instead I just told her that Grandpa was pretending - like how she pretends that I'm a horse or a hummingbird sometimes. At which point I had to pretend to be a hummingbird trying to eat from her ear (the feeder) for about five minutes.

Mission Accomplished.


  1. Oh my god, this post is brilliant.

  2. Can I send you my kid, Because im bored with explaining the differences with milk. Cows dont do Chocolate milk, Trying to convince them otherwise is fruitless.