Wednesday, June 22, 2011


JUNE 16, 2011

This is the first day since taking care of the kids that I've felt completely under the weather. Waves of nausea are breaking over me. I may have to play that game I used play where I'd lie on the living room floor under a blanket and pretend that I'm a mountain. Then the kids would just jump on me for 45 minutes. Although they are both much bigger now and their increased body mass combined and my weak pathetic level of strength may actually kill me off.

Who am I kidding - I can't be killed off that easily. I'm like a werewolf or a vampire. You'd have to stab me with a silver dildo soaked in garlic or something.

Except I can't play games like that these days because the kids conspire together to start doing stuff they shouldn't be doing. Yesterday, when perfectly healthy and filled with vitality they still managed to outwit me. I had tried to give the dog a treat - a can of Fancy Feast cat food that had been lying around forever that I finally decided to get shot of. Ten minutes later I could hear the dog bowl clattering but the dog was next to me. Which means only one thing - my daughter had opened the dining room door and my son had spied an opportunity to play around in either dog food or the cat litter. Thankfully he chose dog food. I can't say for sure whether the dog or my son ate all the Fancy Feast. Regardless it was all gone. Judging by the fight he put up apparently my son quite likes Ol' Roy Hearty Chunks for dogs. I had to bribe him with a Cadbury's Chocolate Button just to get him to spit it out. I know some people might find it weird for kids to eat pet food but let's be honest - wev'e all tried it. I seem to remember quite enjoying the Whisker's Tender Bites my parents gave to our cats when I was a kid. Not too shabby. Not great, but better than some Italian-American food I've been tortured with. And don't pretend to be repulsed. I'm sure you have some weird culinary habits and yet you sit there being all hypocritical. Oh no - you wouldn't lower yourself to try dried cat-food if someone held a gun to your head, but you're more than happy to drink milk that came from a cow's tits. Not to mention eating eggs shatted out of a chicken.

Oh - and speaking of making sure my daughter doesn't see anything inappropriate on TV or online I just saw this. I am enraged. What on earth possessed someone to combine golf and having a shit?


What if you knock the ball out of reach? Oh God I hope it's not a drop shot from waist height.

Anyway I avoided any issues there. When my daughter asked I just told her I was watching golf. Even she knows - without any exposure whatsoever to golf ever - that it wasn't worth her time. Instead she carried on watching an episode of Thomas the Tank Engine where he thinks he's being chased by ghosts. She's seen it a million times. But with her now nearly-four year old mind she decided to ask me what a ghost actually is. I fudged it totally and she got irritated because I hadn't solidly and definitively explained what a ghost is so that she could explain it to someone else. So I told her I'd look it up online for her. Thankfully she can't read because I came upon some odd stuff very quickly. Quick question - anyone here ever had sex with a ghost? Anyone? These people have....

Wait, there's more. These are people who have had sex with dead ghosts. Paranormal necrophilia? Oh yes. I like the bit that says, "Real Ghosts have been said to get under the covers and pursue a person until they get what they want. Kissing, snuggling, physical foreplay and complete sex with astral penetration." It's probably a typo. The ghost part of it is sadly correct though.

I had somewhat hoped I'd misread this as the word "goat." Even respectable people do that sort of thing these days. There's no getting away from the dead part though. And it would have to be dead goats. There's a distinct difference that apparently divides these people between active hobbyists and nutters.

Man 1: Hey, wanna have sex with a goat?

Man 2: What am I, French?

Man 1: Keep your knickers on, we'll kill it first.

Man 2: My pants are already off....

Man 1: This is like the circle-of-life. Did you know the first condoms were made from sheep intestines? And we are wearing condoms right? I don't want to get Scrapie or whatever it's called.

Man 2: As long as it's Halal I don't care. I don't want to go offending any Muslim dead goat shaggers now. I have standards.

Man 1: I hope I can get a mint flavored condom. I love a good bit of lamb and mint, me.

Man 2: You ever done this before?

Man 1: No - I have had sex with a mouse though.

Man 2: Dead first I hope?

Man 1: Not till I was done........

But yeah like I said, my daughter can't read so she missed all that. I ended up getting all the info I needed from a crap ghost story in The Daily Mail.My word that is a unintentionally amusing newspaper. Its one quarter pointless and graphic smut. Then one quarter choc-a-bloc filled with editorials lamenting the sad rise of smut in the UK and pledging to locate and sham all and any who promote it. Then one quarter nonsensical pish all aimed at describing modern Britain as teetering on the precipice of cultural destruction due to foreigners, Muslims, communists, gays, multiculturalism, political correctness, and Lady Gaga. Then one quarter inane wankery about how if Princess Diana were here everything would be all better. And just to reiterate that Diana is dead they run a story about it every bloody day. I particularly like how the Daily Mail emphasizes the involvement of Muslims and the French in her death. Very nice twist there.

Needless to say I was quite comfortable using a "story" from The Daily Mail to explain nonsensical fictional bullshit to my daughter.

Daily Dump - Cup Of Ass....

...ateague tea.

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