Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Mr. Madam

JUNE 2, 2011

Daughter: Look Daddy!! I laid an egg!!

Me: Change of plans honey, we are no longer having eggs for breakfast....

So we bought a minivan. It's massive inside! Dr. Who is wasting his time in the Tardis contraption - he should fart about in this safe in the knowledge he could fit a whole family, a dog AND be able to get groceries and still have loads of room. Hilariously we nearly bought a 2005 Ford Edge. Which would have been tiny - it looks like an SUV but it's no bigger than my Saturn Ion really. So we're very happy. We were originally happy because it would allow us to visit one of my wife's friends in Michigan. We visited them last year on the same weekend of the year and we loved seeing them. But in the end we decided not to go. My son is at that stage where we can't even drive two miles to the grocery store without him being certain he will never ever be released from the prison that is his car seat. And my wife is exhausted - she just relaxed (ha!) into working just the one job, but is putting well over full-time hours to get up to speed. She wanted to rest and see her family, so we are just gonna stay around here.

It also means I can start taking the dog all over the place again. There simply wasn't room for him in my car. He was the Worlds Greatest Dog for a couple of years. Then after my daughter was born he turned into one of those dogs that barked all the frikking time. We didn't want to take him anywhere anymore. I blame my in-laws dog. We lived with them for two months when we moved back to the US and our awesome dog learned all sorts of retarded behavior from it.

Anyway we begrudgingly decided to not travel the fifteen hours each way and went to the zoo instead. The kids had a fantastic time. There's a zoo in the city nearest to us but it is pretty poor. It's the kind of zoo where they have animals that a lot of people already have as pets. Like goats and a donkey. Add that once you see the goat and donkey you realize you've already been around the entire zoo. So we drove out to Syracuse, NY and saw the penguins and elephants. The kids loved it. And that's all that counts.

Yesterday was a total washout and I wasn't feeling so hot. Which means I ceded being a good parent to the TV. That sucks I know, but I genuinely couldn't move without feeling those awful warm waves of nausea. Luckily my son actually napped for 90 minutes and my daughter was enthralled by The Cat In The Hat. Just for the record, I wouldn't let the Cat In The Hat anywhere near my kids. The kid's parents in this show are waaay too willing to let this interfering weirdo whisk them off to do random shit all the time. Every time Martin Short (who does the voice for the Cat - and very well by the way) utters the phrase, "Your Mother will not mind at all if you do...." I get chills.

I also encountered something really odd. I turned Sesame Street on and for some reason PBS had decided to air the Israeli version. I don't live in Israel. So why was it on? I don't get that at all. None of the segments - like the alphabet - were even in English. It actually irritated my daughter to the point that she screamed, "WRONG" at the TV and turned it off. She then went upstairs and started trying on all her clothes. Way to go Sesame Street. Now I have laundry to do.

Due to my lack of energy, and the awful weather outside, my daughter had started demanding I justify why she wasn't allowed to go outside and play in her inflatable pool. The fact that it was 52 degrees and raining didn't dent her resolve at all. She put her bathing suit on and insisted on being taken out. I told her no and so began a day of meltdowns. My daughter has been out of diapers since she was 16 months old, but when she gets nutso like this she makes poor choices. She skips going to the bathroom. And sometimes even though she makes it she "doesn't quite make it." She'll wet herself and say, "well, sometimes people have accidents." After she'd had one "accident" today I followed her into the bathroom and she pulled her pants down, squatted carefully and then proceeded to piss all over the floor. It was horrendous. We fought about that for a good while until she stormed off upstairs to scream it out. The problem with that is that she then lay in my bedroom window screaming that I had been mean to her (by telling her not to piss all over my floor) and that I wasn't allowed near her. So anyone driving by (or, for some reason, walking past in the rain) would no doubt conclude that I'm a child batterer and she had safely locked herself in the Panic Room. Then, for reasons I can't explain at all, my daughter started yelling down the stairs, " I dreamed you were a paperclip Daddy!! A fat one!!!"

After we all kissed and made up my daughter kept being mouthy. The salami sandwich I had made was "too bready" so she refused to eat it. She wanted the window open. I didn't - it was still cold and wet. So she yelled. I told her that she better start being more polite. This seemed to spark off something in her and her attitude changed instanly. She spent the entire afternoon calling me "Madam." Even after explaining it she still called me Mr. Madam. I suppose it's a start.

Today has been much much better. My daughter is not only happy but also extra cuddly. My son has also figured out how to climb onto the riding horse toy in the living-room without needing help. I'm certain that my father-in-law was worried that with his grandson being raised by an Englishman, and a stay-at-home one at that, that he may not be as Manly as he would like him to be. Well, not to worry. Right now he's stood atop a plastic horse with some girl's underpants in one hand, and a fistful of salami in the other.

A Man in the making there.

Daily Dump - Hmmmm

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