Wednesday, June 22, 2011

My Kids > Your Kids

MAY 22, 2011

I have an illness. It's something that grips me violently and I cannot - actually don't even want - to let go. The strength of feeling is so powerful that I actually physically cannot bear it. It is a problem and I probably should get help. The fact is - I think all of your children are ugly.

Now, this isn't personal. Because I'm not leaving anyone out. All of your children disgust me. Some more than others, granted, but yours are definitely included. I can't help it - their physical appearance genuinely fills my throat with bile. It's a terrible affliction (I'm referring here to the strength of feeling I suffer - not the hideous deformities that your children clearly display). Its really a double-edged sword. On the one hand I'm unbelievably saddened for you that your offspring aren't as absurdly beautiful as my own. Whilst on the other hand I'm just revolted by the horrible mutant freaks you all persist on showing me. And with modern Social media like Facebook I can't even avoid it. One moment I'm checking someone's status update and the next I've been assaulted against my will with a photo of your boy/daughter/whatever-the-doctor-claimed-i
t-is-supposed-to-be that you are inexplicably proud of. I comfort myself with the thought that some of you may have had the good fortune to see similar photos that you posted, but with my children doing those same things in a non-ugly way. At least then you'll know what how it is supposed to look.

I do know you are impressed that your child can do certain things that practically every single human being has managed to do since the dawn of time at the same age. Except my kids who did them much earlier in age and in a generally more striking and beautiful way. The difference on this occasion is that showing me pictures of your kids doing these things will actually make me sick. And I know you think your son is cute. But he isn't. He looks like a burns victim. His skin is blotchy and his hair simply isn't trying hard enough to grow properly. And I know you think your daughter looks pretty in that dress. But she doesn't. She looks like a frog that's been dipped in acid and then grotesquely dressed up to look like Jon Benet Ramsey. Who has also been dipped in acid. Some people don't like kids. That isn't me. I just don't like your kids.

And don't try and give me the, "well your kids are ugly too." Because that's ridiculous. You are clearly just lashing out at the fact that you have been lumbered with hideous gargoyles, whilst I have two beautiful angels that radiate awesomeness. The jealousy is visibly dripping off you. My kids are an example. My kids are what Hitler was going for. Whereas your kids look like they have fetal-alcohol syndrome.

I guess I should say I'm sorry. Because I know there are occasions where I can fully admit that this is just something within me. I am the one with the issue. I have the problem. It's all me. But then I see a photo of your child and I realize that no - your kids are actually hideously ugly.

So really you should be apologizing to me.

Daily Dump - Warhol

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