Wednesday, June 22, 2011


JUNE 21, 2011

I'm trying to think of something nice and romantic that will get my wife in the mood. It can not involve -:

1 - Alcohol
2 - Porn
3 - Horses

My wife and I pretty much don't drink. And if she had a drink she's more inclined to want a poo and then take a nap than get frisky. As for porn - not only is it naughty, but the only time I ever did buy some was a total disaster. I did some research and found one that was supposedly aimed at women. So no horrifying graphic close ups that make you think you're looking at a dissected bat. It was supposed to have a storyline and be "arousing" rather than just something to wank to before it grossed you out. But no, it involved a one armed woman trying to turn on a half-dead alien in an iron lung. I'm not even kidding. Who the fuck is supposed to get off on that? Which either means that was the worst advertised movie ever, or you women are mental.

Of course, if we did get frisky we'd probably get pregnant. We are frighteningly fertile people. And then we'd have to go through all the uncomfortable, annoying, painful stuff again. I'm not talking about birth or labor or any of the other presumably very easy stuff. I mean picking out names. We picked out decent names for our kids but it was a real chore whittling names down. I eventually gave in and invited random strangers (people on an online forum I don't really know, and frankly I suspect to all be the same person) to give me suggestions. I invited all and sundry to come up with decent name options for my unborn son and every retarded non-parent seemed to come up with Brody. No offense to anyone with that name, or an unfortunately named child with that name either (especially the people I actually really like who chose that name - it's just a coincidence that I hate that name - sorry), but I hate that name. A lot. It's right up there with every pillock who suggested calling my kid Dakota as if he was a dog or a pony.

Why is it that people without kids suggest names that they think are unbelievably cool, but really are just sad reflections on their empty pointless lives? One old coworker suggested calling my son Oscar, because then his nickname in school would be Scar. On what mentally deficient plain is that an acceptable nickname for you to want your child to get given by his peers? And really, are they ever ever going to opt for that nickname, when they can rhyme part of his last name with the word "Fuck" without much creative thought at all? So when little Fuck Scar gets into high skool he's really going to love that name. Here's a suggestion - if you don't have kids, and you think Liam, Oscar, Jasper or Rene (seriously - more than one person suggested this) are good names, then you aren't allowed to have kids. One person also strongly urged me to go with "Aubrey." Which sounds like a plant disease.

"I'm going to have to cut it down Frank. I'm afraid it's contracted some kind of Aubrey fungus which is poisonous to birds and small marsupials."

Someone also suggested naming my son Atlas, and then calling him GPS for short. Sounds like something my wife's side of the family would go for. I have a very good friend who has an even darker humor than mine, who has an instinctive line to anyone who tells them his baby name. Basically they say, "we like the name Sam!" and he says, "......when I was sixteen I was raped by a man named Sam.....I could never pick that name."

Add that names all have meanings too. I never wanted to look up my name in case it said something like, "the name in Latin means "yeast infection" commonly found under manky uncleaned foreskins." My parents argued for years that they named me after a character in One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest mistakenly - meaning they thought they named me because of that even though no-one in the book or film has the name that I can find. And these days with everything being online and accessible I think I would just give any potential child my online nom-de-plume of Herpes Simplex. Try Googling that and having a good day.

Another problem is that in the US things have no frame of reference to British culture. So people suggest names that you couldn't possibly use in Britain. Like those girls names they give to boys over here, but still insist they are girls names. Or worse - they come up with names of famous British pedophiles and murderers. I can hear the suggestion now - "Wait - what about Harold Shipman as a name? It's got a good ring to it - a nice professional name. The kind a doctor might have for example."

Actually now I don't want sex. Go back to whatever you were doing.

Daily Dump - Champs

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