Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Sky Muffin And Spoonman

APRIL 14, 2011

They say you should never work with animals and kids (especially if you work in porn) and these past few days I've come to understand why some people feel this way.

This weekend, for example, I spent a large chunk of time outside doing yard work. I knew early on that I'd have to come up with something exciting to keep the kids entertained, and also keep an eye on the dog as he gets pissy when you're stood the other side of the electric dog fence. Which I would be quite a lot. I had work to do and that required me to be slightly less diligent with keeping an eye on them than I would have liked. After a quick five minutes poking around in some mud out back I found an old silver spoon. I gave that to my daughter telling her it was treasure and that she should keep digging for more. I plonked my son down in the giant compost pile and showed him a few worms that were wiggling around in there. I started grabbing brush and burning it, and then got to work digging part of a huge flower bed.

Fast forward 10 minutes and I'd been quickly glancing over to check the kids weren't lying in the road or stabbing themselves with anything. All was fine. Five minutes later and an elderly gentleman was jogging by and motioned over to me. He told me his name (which I forgot instantly - a terrible problem of mine), and that he'd lived on the road all his adult life, and that it was such a joy to see what we had done with the place. My kids, hearing me talking, came bouncing over. A minute later the man asked my daughter what her name was. To which she replied extremely loudly, "Sky Muffin!" I figured I should give her real name lest he think we were one of those eccentric Hippy intellectuals (or, "twat" as most people call them) that actually named their kid something retarded. I then mentioned my sons name and noticed that the man was looking oddly at him. I glanced down at my son to see that he'd somehow pulled down his pants, removed his Bum Genius diaper and was rubbing the treasure-spoon on his penis and laughing hysterically. I quickly told the man that the boy came with the house, and he somewhat suggested that based upon his knowledge of the prior owner that thwacking your spuds with a sugar-spoon was pretty much par for the course with my house. I walked the guy around the back yard as he was curious and my dog wouldn't stop trying to knob his leg. My dog never does that. Needless to say the dude probably thinks we are some seriously deviant family that will fuck anything - mostly joggers, dogs and cutlery if given the chance.

The other good news is that my son is now just over a year old so toilet training is just about to begin. My wife did my daughter at the same age and it pretty much took two weeks of doing nothing but going to the bathroom every ten minutes. I can't say I'm looking forward to that but it's much more preferable than scraping shit off a child. It does seem extremely bizarre to me that it has only been two generations (just about) of Western civilization where keeping a kid in diapers until they are nearly 5 is normal. Most of the world doesn't do it our way. Doesn't need to. When you consider that a country like China either uses cloth (and for a very very short period of time) or no diaper at all it does make you wonder. And yet diaper manufacturers are falling all over themselves to flog disposable underpants to the Chinese even though they don't need them - meaning it has nothing to do with improving anything and everything to do with money. Most baby items seem entirely based around making money and not much to do with children's needs at all. Baby food is probably the weirdest thing on earth. Most of it is either incredibly unhealthy shite, or food you already have in the house but for three times the price because it comes in a jar. As long as you follow all the appropriate nutritional and allergy guidelines it's all very easy and doesn't involve that nasty aisle in the grocery store that reeks of talcum powder and germolene. Don't get me started on Enfamil and all that evil shit. Anyway - ranting aside I will be spending a lot of time outside in the event that my son decides to drop fudge all over the place without me being able to get him to the bathroom on time.

Alright I better go find out why my daughter is beating her enormous toy elephant and yelling, "build-a-fish" at it. I haven't the slightest clue.

Daily Dump - I'm So Pretty!

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