Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The Winky Wobbler

JUNE 15, 2011

My daughter has her own words for genitals and bottoms. My wife - ever practical and serious - gave her the real terms for male and female bits and bobs. I was uncomfortable with my daughter referring to my penis and anus so gave her my own words. Now she calls them Winky and Whoopsie, which frankly sound like they're two perverts who were arrested on episode of CSI:Sesame Street for molesting the kids. Annoyingly my daughter has taken this and run with it. She plays a game in which she says, "Daddy?" I turn and say, "Yes?" and then she screams, "WINKY!!!" Normally this would take place in the house or car. But she started trying it out at the grocery store, which is not on. And at Grandmas house - where I'll get my arse kicked for teaching her that. The increased frequency of it all had started me thinking I should tell her to call them what they actually are, as my wife had intended in the first place. But I can't face being at the playground pushing my son on the swings only for my daughter to yell, "DADDY!!! VAGINA!!!!" through the crowd of mom's between us. I even went onto a website looking for alternative names, (http://www.ineedanotherwordforvagina.co
m/) but after being recommended Baby Cave and Cat's Mouth for a vagina I gave up.

Which reminds me - I like being a stay-at-home Dad in some ways and not in others. I don't have any stigma about being a man and being the one staying home at any point of the day except when we are at the playground. Its then and then only that I stick out like a giant failure. I'm not for one minute saying stay-at-home parents are failures. Not at all. But what I can see in the eyes of every Mom at the playground is the thought, "oh I guess this must be his time to have shared custody of his kids..." I even started dressing up smarter so that other people would think I wasn't just dossing around the house in shorts and an old t-shirt. I'd put on pants and a collared shirt. Then I felt like the Moms assumed I was squeezing in a parental visit during a work lunch because I didn't want whichever whore I was banging this week to know I had two kids already. Then I started getting iffy about this so started being extra-super-friendly to all the women I met so that they wouldn't think I was just some loser. Then I realized that some of them might think I'm actually trying to have sex with them. Some of them would glance down at my wedding wing in mid conversation and I could see them judging me with, "Creep - this is probably why your first wife left you. And yet here you go again." Finally I thought I'd struck gold - I would loudly and often comment to my kids that we were on our way to meet their mother and we were all going to go home to do something together as a family. Absolute genius.

Apparently this worked too well. Earlier this week I took my kids on a Playground Extravaganza. Basically I took them to the fancy big playgrounds in the nearest city to play, and figured I'd hit two or three of them. Partly I did this for a change, but also because my daughter loves new playgrounds and I figured she might like me more if I bribed her with fun. At the first playground I started chatting to the only other woman at the playground because our kids were playing together. In the middle of our small talk the woman, completely unprompted, sheepishly apologized for the way she was dressed (yoga pants and t-shirt). Before I could awkwardly and politely tell her she looked fine her son started asking her to come help her on the slide. At which point she called back, "hold on honey, I'm just talking to this nice handsome man..." At the next playground - one at a school - a woman asked me if my daughter would be starting at this school this year. I said no and that we lived about 3 or 4 miles away. She told me that was a shame. I figured she was referring solely to the kids. But then later when I called to my kids that it was time for us to go get lunch she way to eagerly suggested maybe we arrange a play-date sometime. This was after our kids playing together for maybe thirty five minutes tops. I said sure and then faked that I needed to change my son quickly back in my car and left.

Crap - I'd gone from being the kind of loser that had cheated on his wife to the kind of loser that might hopefully cheat on his wife.

On a related note - since quitting my last job I've lost nearly 25 pounds. And I say that as someone who wasn't ever fat at all. I was slightly spongy but no-one would have called me fat. At my last job I snarfed candy all day long and had put on 25 pounds pretty quickly and looked healthy I guess. Now I just don't eat that stuff I'm dropping it considerably every single day. I'm almost what you would call thin now. I've also lost any desire to shave regularly. I wish I could grow a good Civil War soldier beard but I just can't. I have random spots on my neck that refuse to join in. Which makes me look like quite a bit like a pedophile. Which really makes me question the kind of man that these two flirty women usually go for.

Lastly, my dog got stuck in a hump today.

It's happened before. He starts humping whatever it is he tries to hump. You drag him of it and he keeps humping the air. That's fine (ish....) but today he got stuck. His back was bent really high up and he wanted to walk around but couldn't get out of the hump. So he tip-toed around like a distended camel. He was basically crippled for about 35 minutes. I'm hoping my kids learn some sort of lesson from this and will assume that when they begin feeling attracted to other people later in life that they should not act upon it or face being crippled for half the day.

I am definitely helping them reach that conclusion by the way.

Daily Dump - Creep

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