Wednesday, June 22, 2011

What Goes In Must Come Out

JUNE 6, 2011

My daughter just asked me what the police man do. This is because there's a police car that sits outside our house waiting to catch people speeding down the hill towards us. He catches tons of people too. I told my daughter that was only a small part of his job. So she asked what else he did. The best way I can show her that I can think of is showing her the TV show Cops. But then that show does the very opposite thing it is designed to do. Instead of highlighting the varied and unusual work of the brave police men and women across this fair land I always come away from it thinking, "Wow, 85% of the policemen on that show were psychotic." So instead I told her they chase bad guys and people who hurt others. Oddly she said, "like Elmo does?" Yes, just like Elmo....

I'm also having some difficulty getting my daughter to eat dinner. She used to eat EVERYTHING. Her first culinary obsession was onions. Now she won't even go in the same room as onions. Her current favorite foods consist of cereal, chicken with ranch dressing, carrots in ranch dressing, fresh peas and beans from our vegetable garden, pretzels, salami sandwiches, home made pizza, ranch dressing (on its own) and plain rice. I can make a meal today - say taco's or even a lentil curry - and she'll eat it no questions asked. Tomorrow she'll almost actually vomit at the taste of it. As in she will actually start dry heaving. My son is still happy to shovel it all in. My family eat a lot of beans and lentils - partly because I don't eat gluten, but mostly because they are delicious. We rarely eat pasta but when my kids visit grandma they tend to eat it and love it. So regionally they should love living in a place like this that is filled with people who call themselves, "Italian Americans." I, on the other hand, loathe it. There are two regional food dishes in my area and both are ridiculous. Both are supposedly authentic and unique to the region. One is tomato bread and is utter puke. It is uncooked cold pizza sauce on pizza dough. That's it. It's just beyond dull and somehow people pass it off as breakfast. There is a very good reason that didn't travel down the thruway to the next region. People in Rochester who have eaten it actually laugh at people from here.

The other is something that locals practically masturbate in pride over - "Chicken Riggies." Hilariously chicken riggies are a dull chicken and rigatoni dish that you can find in every two-bit faux-Italian craphole across the state, and probably the country. And yet people around here go nuts over them. It's chicken and pasta. To make the point that it's an absurd dish to get excited about I invented "Chizzies." Now, I know you're thinking to yourselves - "Has someone at long last finally made a delicious meal out of chipmunk jizz?!" Sadly, no. Instead it's exactly the same pointlessly dull dish, but with Ziti pasta instead. Upon hearing my idea my local friends have tried to claim this would be a completely different dish. No, it would be identical. And it would be just another utterly dull Italian-American dish. They all involve the same two main ingredients - pasta and chicken. There is nothing as boring to me as "Italian" food. Real Italian food? Unbelievably good. Second rate Olive Garden pish? No thanks. I wish I was back in Buffalo - Buffalo wings, beef-on-weck and the greatest sausage-restaurant in the counry (Ulrich's - Google if you're interested). And yet here people claim that because they eat pizza from the gas station that they are maintaining they're Italian roots. They also deliberately mis-pronounce words like "mozzarella" (they pronounce it Mutz-a-rail") and "prosciutto" (pronounced, "pra-shoot") to exhibit their fine culture. Look - Italy is a fantastic place with delicious food. Why not actually cook some of that instead of boiling pasta and chucking terrible home-made sauce (that often actually involves a jar of Ragu - I know peop,e who add this to "boost" it) and chicken at it?

Lastly today I endured visiting three different bathrooms that are not in my house. My daughter needed to go three separate times while we out. Well, twice she did. The other time she wanted to play with the hand dryer so she faked peeing and then made a big deal of getting her hands clean and dry. In good time I will teach my children that pooing in other places than their own house is to be frowned upon. I pride myself on the fact that I have never ever once pooed in a place of employment. I'm not going to go into the details as to how this very strong belief system began for me. But needless to say no amount of information on why this is silly will persuade me to change. And to those people sending me money to poo in your house (people have done this) - it won't work. So please stop sending me checks.

Regardless, now I have kids without diapers I visit public bathrooms all the time. I've even found myself in friends and acquaintances bathrooms when I have no right to be there at all. Last week my daughter dragged me into a Walmart public bathroom twice in 15 minutes and I was horrified to notice that the man in the next stall was in there continuously between both our visits. I know it was the same man because he was listening to very loud headphones and singing along. My daughters visits were basically book-ended by musical turds. I was sure to inform my daughter that this was wrong - the bathroom is not a place for spending quality time. Two very important points here -:.

1 - I would NEVER sit on the toilet for hours. I want it out as quickly as possible. It's not a leisure activity. Quite why people want to read on the toilet is beyond me. What next - knitting? Pottery? Flying kites? Stop it. Now.

2 - In days of yore people hid in poo-pits and stabbed people up the bum with a sword. My toilet at home is the only one I can be absolutely certain isn't filled with assassins. Really it makes perfect sense. This is all about safety. Think of the kids.

So I'll teach them to eventually keep it at home. Not only that but to be alone. My wife, in a manner I will never understand, will just wander in willy-nilly when I'm using the toilet. No matter how often I protest that this is not a spectator sport she keeps on doing it. Worse is when we're both brushing our teeth and she will, with the speed of a puma, whip down her pants and be pooing in my immediate company. Pure evil in its truest form. Now I have kids and I have to take them to the bathroom. And entertain them while they are squirting one out! My daughter still likes me to sit and read to her if she's having a poo. Now she's got me singing songs to her. I mean honestly - if singing and pooing went together then the members of boy bands would be chosen for how they can curl out bran barges rather than how well they can convince the general public that shaking their cock at twelve year old children is an acceptable thing to do. Worse still is that when I go to the bathroom I can't keep the kids out. When I went earlier this week my daughter brought the dog and a plastic horse in to watch. When she starts bringing in friends from school then I'm really going to have to put my foot down. Or charge admission. My son wandered in a few days ago and tried to peek through the gap between the toilet seat and the bowl - presumably to monitor my progress.

My daughter gets very excited if I'm in the bathroom. A few weeks ago I was outside talking with a neighbor. It was quite lengthy chat. I realized I needed to go so stopped chatting, ran into the bathroom hoping my daughter hadn't seen me, and began to "deliver." Fifteen seconds later she comes running in giggling and smiling (with plastic walrus and an egg whisk in hand of course). She then proceeds to run around out in the back yard yelling "DADDY IS HAVING A POO!!!" I didn't know this at the time though - I came back out and started up the conversation again - but the neighbor seemed slightly put off and I couldn't figure out until my daughter confessed to singing it when I wasn't there. Which helped explain why I thought my neighbor was impressed with me.

Daily Dump - Oboe

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