Friday, October 28, 2011

Chucking Acid Into Their Tiny Faces

"I used to drink Mommy's blood, Daddy."

First off - there's a thick layer of frost outside. I played, "I can see my breathe!" for a bit whilst scraping the ice off my wife's car. I tried to show my daughter to but she was too sad (I'll get to that). A little while later though she noticed the frost for herself and told me we have to go outside to go ice skating. My son simply cannot get his head around it. He's pointing, gasping and looking repeatedly just trying to understand it. We might go out in a bit and he can meet frost up close just for the experience.

My daughter is sick. Yesterday she seemed to have recovered somewhat but today she's woken up miserable. She's not too hot with a fever, wasn't complaining about stomach pains and says she doesn't have a headache. But she is welling up with tears and saying she feels really really sad. Which frankly terrified me. I'm not going to explain that. I've had her smiling and laughing a bit this morning - and she helped me make a giant train track. But then she had an accident and has since been lying on the couch all sad and morose again. I talked to her about feeling sick and how it will take a while to get better. She didn't like that. Since then her stomach ache has come on stronger and she's been in and out of the bathroom a bunch of times. I think if at remains at this rate she won't be going in to school. Thankfully between little crying fits and trips to the bathroom she is starting to brighten up.

For a little while she just camped out on my lap. She wanted to watch a video on Youtube about cats. Then a JibJab Halloween video. Then she wanted to look at photos of us all. When she saw me in my Indiana Jones hat she asked, "is that our farmer costume for Halloween Daddy?" Self esteem dented. After that we looked at old pictures of her as a baby. She liked that. She reminded me again that she used to live in her mother's tummy with Seabiscuit. She also reminded me again that when you teach a child something they will reduce it down to something that makes sense to them so far that it will be incorrect. So my wife had clearly taught her about umbilical cords and In Utero feeding, but my daughter translated that to, "I used to drink Mommy's blood Daddy." When pressed she also admitted to drinking cows milk at the time. Not sure how my wife got it in there (visually that doesn't bear thinking about) but that's apparently what happened.

After that I looked through some online lists of Christmas presents after showing my daughter a wooden watch she saw in an advertisement. Most of what we encountered was flat out ridiculous. Such as a 64" flat screen TV. I can't get my head around why someone would buy their spouse a TV for Christmas. Or,and I'm not kidding here, a celebrity pampering package that appears to just involve getting Botox. My daughter got bored of all those so I started showing her novelty crap from The Gadget Shop and ThinkGeek. She loves that stuff. She liked the Newton's Cradle desk ornament a lot (I think I might get her this) and thought the dancing Coke can toy from years ago was fun. She liked all the weird marbles we looked at and the clockwork weather house thing. And those crappy little plasma globes were a hit too. But in typical fashion the thing she liked the best was when I remembered something my Gran had. It was a plastic donkey you filled up with cigarettes then yanked on it's ear so that it shits one out. Classy and might have replaced the day-glo jellyfish filled lava lamp thing she saw the other day. If you really don't have any idea here it is (complete with evil twist at the end....)


As an aside I looked for the donkey by Googling "donkey craps cigarettes" and the first entry Google gave me was "menstrual cramps." I think Google might need to go to a biology class. It reminded me of an old friend of mine who thought that sanitary towels were so that girls didn't have to go the toilet for a wizz because in all the commercials they poured water on them. He vehemently argued that it was false-advertisement and that they could have at least met him half-way and poured V8 juice on them.

I'm also supposed to call a few people today when I can get around to it. My wife spent four years reminding me repeatedly that she couldn't actually do anything like telephone people because she was mothering all day long. Now that we've switched roles and doubled the number of children involved she tish-poo's my assertions that, "I'll try calling" as naive laziness. When I say the same thing she used to - "I'll call when I get five minutes when they aren't screaming." - she looks at me like I must be parenting wrong. Because why would a child scream unless I was beating them, pouring acid into their faces or using a Chinese finger trap on them? They are the only reasons after all.

Anyhoo - firstly I have to get hold of the snow-plow guy we've used the last few years. He's been in business twenty years apparently but his place looks like crap right now suggesting he's given up. He's just let it go and hasn't put up any sales signs all year for landscaping or anything but did sell off some of his big vehicles. I had this epiphany that if he was actually selling his business he would need to take care of the big plot of land and the building he maintains. But he's let it go to crap. It's the sort of behavior a broken man indulges in. I'll give him a few more calls to see if he is still doing plowing though. Ironically last year I'd just lost my job and my wife was tasked with calling him to not plow. Which she couldn't do because mothering is really really hard.

I also have to call for dentist appointments. My son will get his first and my daughter her second. I've spoken to all sorts of people who have five and six year old children who have never been. Which is odd considering how neurotic Americans are about teeth in western New York. In central New York it's spotty though - some people just don't care at all. I've also spoken to parents though who have kids my daughter's age and younger who have had arse-loads of work done. That's crazy. Firstly because a three year old should not have rotting teeth. At all. Secondly because dentists are evil lying bastards. Four year olds getting cavities filled and teeth pulled and other silliness is clearly nonsense. I've mentioned before that I don't trust US dentists primarily based upon the fact they charge $45 for a mouthful of ACT. Some I do - but a lot of it just seems to be in the same vein as mechanics ripping you off. But a check up and a clean is always good. I need one too. At the very least I'll get to read Newsweek. It's an open secret that no-one actually buys Newsweek except dentists offices. No wonder they're going under. I'm sure it isn't just down to Tine Brown (I kid - of course it is).

Yep - looks like I'll need to call the school and let them know she won't be in. I haven't even told her we might not go to the Thrift Store yet.

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