Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Poke The Fence

It was raining and cold when it was time to wait for the bus. We have gone outside at noon every single day since my daughter started. It's rained in that time but oddly not at the precise time we've gone outside. I've battled to keep them out of puddles previously. My daughter then does that annoying thing where she isn't in the puddle but over the puddle. She also does it by not actually touching something she isn't supposed to, but completely surrounding it and remarking that I can't do anything about it.

But today it was cacking it down. Whatever - we went out anyway but much closer to when the bus was due and stood under the porch. My son is oblivious to wetness so just plowed into the giant pile of wet leaves I'd collected on the front lawn. My daughter though was sent into a screaming fit of madness by the rain and just ran off round the side of the house. She came charging back towards me a few moment later brandishing a huge stick as a jousting pole yelling, "POKE THE FENCE!!!" Not a clue what was going on there. Well aware that she would likely go swimming on the muddy driveway five minutes before school I tried to calm her down. I did this by getting her to focus on her battle cry asking what it was she actually means. She just kept chanting it in funny voices. So I just smugly said, "that doesn't make any sense." Why that gets her attention I'm not sure, but it does. She stopped yelling it, put her stick down and throw leaves at me. While blinded she picked up the green plastic rake and started yelling, "POKE THE STARFISH!!" She then claimed to be poking my starfish. She even just said casually, "I'm poking your starfish Daddy." "No you aren't" was all I could muster before her bus thankfully showed up and took her away.

My son then begged to go inside and watch Thomas The Tank Engine. He freaking LOVES that show now. He kind of likes the story itself, but mostly he likes the opening music and end of each episode. During which he makes an astonished Kenneth Williams, "oooooooooooh Matron" face and then dances Rick Astley. I tried to film it earlier today but he was simultaneously eating a potato chip and picking his nose. Not his best work, so I'll have a go another time.

Since my daughter got out of school she has descended into an abyss of self-perpetuating sickness. She told me her head hurt. The her finger started to hurt. Then her leg. Then her pants hurt. Now she says she has a headache again. She's been saying it for half an hour now so I'm inclined to actually think she does have a headache. Or her entire body is rapidly failing her. Either way she's lying under a blanket whimpering on the floor. I told her I had to cook dinner but she basically accused me of leaving her to die alone. I told her she isn;t alone - her brother would be next to her asleep. The silly bugger refused a nap again and collapsed right before I left to get his sister from school. I've made plenty of noise and moved him but he's not waking up.

The only other thing of note is that I started blasting, "strength of the bear" and other such nonsense when wrestling with the kids. That morphed into adopting other weird animal strengths. My daughter quite likes, "slime of a slug" and then I have to lick her leg or face. Sadly I'd also started calling doughnuts "dog nuts" in a very not-funny cool middle aged Dad kind of way. Which would have been fine if while play-fighting her in the school hallway on the way out of school she hadn't shrieked, "nuts of the dog!" and then rammed me with her arse.

Have to go now. Not only do I have to make Hasselback potatoes, but my daughter is trying to tell me what, "stupendous" means.

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