Thursday, October 27, 2011

The Insanity Orb

5am is rather early for everyone to get up. But that's what they did. My wife shot off to work for a Very Important Day. My son wanted to run around all mental and throw stuff. He's perfectly happy being up that early though. My wife isn't so much but she is good as long as she's working and not just made to get up because everyone's being annoying. My daughter goes one of two ways. First is waaay too much energy to be natural. Hence yesterday's disco. The other is grumpy and angry. She will demand you lie down next to her but not disturb her. She'll then berate you with how you are ruining the blankets/warmth/light/smells in the room. It's delightful. She was okay this morning though.

My son though - he was full-blown silly. He wanted to topple elephants and chuck baseballs. My goodness he has a good arm - and when he's on form he goes bonkers with delight at how good he can hurl the ball. Years ago my dog used to own a ball I called The Insanity Orb because of the dog's sheer excited wigglyness when we played with it. Now I call my son The Insanity Orb. He'll pick something to concentrate his aim on and batter the shit out of it. First he picked the TV and nailed it over and over. Then he picked the toy witch on top of a lamp. Then, after that he got that twitchy look in his eye and started chucking it at me. To really shame me he kept putting on his best Carry On double-entendre faces. Like this -:


My daughter though - that's a whole other story. By 5.30pm last night she had gone from grumpy to demonic. I understood though - she's never had a headache. She kept begging me for cures but refused to actually commit to any of them. So I'd recommend drinking water and she'd turn into Linda Blair. She was emphatic - no liquids at all because they make your head hurt. So I calmly and lovingly recommended giving her some liquid Acetaminophen. She must have heard me say, "okay close your eyes - the only thing that is going to work is bloodletting..." I know this because when you offer medicine to people and they scream, hide under a blanket and pop out to throw shoes at you, then it suggests that you threatened them with medieval torture.She completely flipped out and was taken up to bed just after 6pm worrying that she would die before being allowed to go Trick or Treating for Halloween.

This morning the kids are fine now. They've built train tracks and tried to wrestle me. Even when my son has tried to beat and molest us both she's been fine with it. My son appears to be auditioning to be the World's Crappest Pick Pocket. He constantly chases me around trying to get my wallet, then checks my daugher for one. When he can't get his thieving little fingers on one he just tries to violently penetrate any part of the body below the head with his fingers. After trying to hand-stab my bellybutton he then crosses the line and tries sticking his fingers in his sister's arse crack. She should protest and try and prevent him from doing it but she finds it slightly more amusing than she finds it annoying. The only thing this morning that they both found more amusing than this was when I was getting him dressed this morning and his willy inadvertently got stuck between his legs like Buffalo Bill in Silence Of The Lambs. Then his sister started screaming, "Owen is my sister!" and he started dancing and doing what I think was a Frankie Howerd impersonation.

Right - time to find another breakfast that my daughter will insist I also put honey on.

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