Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Cover That Which Cometh From Thee

Daddy my granola fits in my ear.

I got up at Stupid O'Clock this morning. Sleep wasn't fun so why bother to keep doing it? If you've never heard of it then you've never been up that early. All of us who are often up (not stayed up - that doesn't work) at that time are told by the Magic Morning Pixie about the Secrets of Stupid O'Clock. It's quite something. But unless you're in the Sleep Sucks Club you can't be told about the secrets. Quite honestly you aren't even really supposed to know about it so I'm risking my premium membership just by talking about it. Note that this is not the same as Silly O'Clock, which occurs around 5pm every day. This is the time when my kids are most in danger of stabbing someone or making a dirty bomb.

Of course when I get up that early I adhere to the short list of special rules I've come up with. Such as -:

- No heating on before 5am, no matter how cold. Because that adds up over a long Winter. And by, "adds up" I obviously mean when the bill comes and the wife flat out asks, "how are we using this much heating?" you won't be able to make the perfectly reasonable point that even though you keep the heat at 63 degrees and she cranks it up to 73 when she walks through the door, that because you turned it on once when it was 47 in the middle of February you personally raised the heating bill by 13% this year.

- No pooing until the Sun is up. That's just wrong. This isn't a religious thing, by the way. Whilst it might be true that people who worship the Sun God might make a sacrifice in this manner, Jesus doesn't want your offering (please don't email Deuteronomy quotes here). Nobody should be in a position that they go to bed "loaded" and then fire one off first thing. That's unhealthy and evil. But not as evil as those people who get up at 2am to, "bake some fudge." Those people are secret terrorists.

- No matter how awesome an idea it is, do not eat ice cream, cakes or chocolates. Yes, there are apparently loads of reasons as to why lots of people are unhealthy that aren't solely based on them chubbing it up all the time. But a guaranteed way to be a Chunker is noshing on ice cream at 3am every morning whilst watching videos of cats and taking a sneaky look to see if those naked photos of STD Failure Sponge Lindsey Lohan have made it online yet.

- Don't do anything useful. Those two-three hours before anyone else gets up would be ideal for getting work done. Obviously this is how all your friends seem to keep their houses clean and much nicer than yours. Don't do all that reading you've been meaning to do. Or learn to do all those other things you claim you'd like to learn. No - just sit in front of the computer and literally waste all that time until other people get up and take that away from you. (Disclaimer - I used to go running every morning for 60-90 minutes. This was fun. At the moment it isn't so this is also banned)

- Don;t go to a 24-hour grocery store and get all your shopping done. While it may seem like a great idea to do this overnight without squealing children or the annoyance of stopping to take them to the toilet, it's just not a good idea. College kids do this - that's fine. Adults do not. Because the only adults who do a weekly-shop overnight are either divorcees (the guilty ones - the innocent party still manages to do it in daylight), criminals, Twilight fans or people with a crystal meth problem. Worse, while this isn't actually true the two people working at the grocery store will decide as fact that all four of these are true. An nobody wants to be judged as a Twilight fan by people who are paid minimum wage to sell things to junkies and vampires at 2am. Once years ago I went to a local grocery store at 3 in the morning to buy eight of those massive drinking water bottles for work. As innocent as that was the cashier still gave me that judgmental look of, "your going to put your willy in these aren't you?"

Regardless, this morning I went back to bed half an hour later. I didn't really want to - and mostly I think that's gross - but over the last few days if I got up then my son got up. And there was no way he was getting up when there was a three in the number. So I went back to bed and lay there until my wife got up for work at 6am. Which is a long time. Obviously my son got up then. My daughter did her usual and waited for us to go downstairs first before yelling for me to come back up and lie down with her. As she didn't do much other than roll into me I just lay there for five minutes. She fell asleep and got up at 7.45.

Which is when she should be getting up every day while she still has the chance to. And going to sleep easily. My son, the little genius, is the complete opposite of her as far as going to sleep goes. He reads a book or two and then actually points at the light switch to say he's ready to lie down and nod off. Which he then does in about two minutes flat. My daughter required three years of trial and error before coming up with a 40 minute plate-spinning balancing act to convince her to go to sleep. Which she at least once every three weeks tries to sabotage in some way. Now I'm telling her that she has to get up early as well she's beginning to think that because I hate sleeping maybe I've got a point. She recoiled in horror yesterday when I told her that kids go to school at the same time as when she normally gets up. She pointed out that this was stupid because, "all the kids will either be asleep or mad at being awake." Which is the best summation of that I've ever heard.

She was particularly worried about missing breakfast. This morning she's chowing down on some home made granola. Or, as you've probably figured out already, putting it in her ear. She now thinks she has to eat extra big breakfasts and hide food for the future in easy to reach orifices (don't even let your mind wander) for the times when she has to go to school at breakfast time. I told her a half-lie that if she goes to bed with food in her ear then wolves and bears might break into the house because they know there is food that they can lick out of the families' ears.

Now go ahead and guess what game she wants to play right now....

No comments:

Post a Comment