Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Frankenstein's Monster

"You need to show me right away or I'm going to go fucking crazy."

I was in the garden eyeing up a leek for dinner the other day when my wife yelled for me to come back to the house. The inflection in her voice wasn't quite right though so I didn't go quickly. She wanted me, but she didn't need me to pull her out from underneath anything. When I finally arrived my whole family were stood on the porch steps and my wife was trying to get my daughter to repeat something. Which was the above line. Amusingly (although not, apparently) was that I couldn't understand what my daughter was saying so I had my wife repeat it to us all.

Firstly she did not get that from me. And by that I mean I don't say things like that. For those of you who have actually met me I've never threatened to, "go fucking crazy" because no one would be able to actually believe it. Not in the sociological sense anyway. Secondly she didn't learn that type of thing from me either. The things that she says that are clearly traced back to traumatic learning events in her life that I have caused are easy to identify. So, for example, when I brought her some toast the other morning and she passionately remarked, "that's not toast Daddy, that's an owl!" I know that's my fault. And that I may have absent-mindedly accidentally brought her an owl (it was toast by the way). Thirdly she apparently said it in a rather jolly manner. As in, "if no one holds me back I'm just going to fucking well eat all of this custard myself!" Turns out one of the kids at school says it to the teacher. IT must have caused some sort of scene. I bet that's fun when it happens. And even more fun guessing which parent taught the child that too. And it will hurt that kids brain when teacher explains that it is wrong, in direct competition with the knowledge that kids has that everything Daddy and Mommy does is just how it is done.

What this does remind me is that my kids are always old enough to learn everything they encounter is normal behavior. Which is worrying me in another way. My son - like his sister before him - has become somewhat besotted with Thomas the Tank Engine. My daughter is now old enough to point out to me that when one of the trains wantonly destroys a train station (presumably massacring tens of innocent bystanders) that it is, "naughty." Almost all of the behavior on that show is flat out wrong. Worse than that the actual makeup of the whole island they live on is insane. I don't know if you've ever seen the new show Terra Nova but it's a bit like that - there's one guy seemingly in charge of some sort of wacky dictatorship who runs roughshod over everything. If you don't perform well or adhere to his code - you get eaten by dinosaurs (which would be a cracking episode of Thomas by the way TV land). Sir Topham Hat (as he's hilariously known these days in the US) is very much representative of the 1% For example, once he commanded his trains (and, ergo entire railroad crew) to go pick up a shipment of ice cream for a party he wass throwing. In another episode he thinks it's perfectly reasonable to have order a helicopter to fly out in the dead of night to drop hot chocolate after it turns out he may have to stay out thirty minutes longer than he originally planned. Even worse than all that is that Sir Topham Hat breaks the golden rule of adulthood - that being if you throw that many parties where you explicitly invite only kids then something is very wrong. Presumably he has the parent's working in an anthracite mine somewhere so he can keep his trains running, thereby able to travel quickly from each pedophilic (allegedly...) escapade to the next. I would advise buying a DVD and watching it. See how odd it seems to you when yu hear the weirdo proudly announce, "I'm building an airport - so even more children can be brought here!"

Speaking of scary, let's get Halloween out of the way. Like Frankenstein's Monster my daughter came to life yesterday. She clearly wasn't well. The sickening rancid gravy-treacle she released right before going Trick-or-Treating is testament to that. But she put a brave face on in the interests of getting more candy and paraded through school, and then later round the neighborhood. Here is the obligatory "please don't" photo on our front porch.

Here's my daughter on her school parade.

Here's the snotty-nose of one of our pumpkins.

And most terrifying of all, me pre-shave.

We didn't get a single Trick or Treat person. Not one. So now we have a punch bowl filled with candy to eat. Oh what an accident that is...

Now - time to prepare for swimming.


  1. Holy crap Gavlar, y'need to groom those eyebrows mate, y'look like Denis Healey's love child.

  2. Thank you to all of you who sent me private messages about my eyebrows. I had no idea I was so freakish.