Daughter: Daddy, do you want to see my favorite rock in my rock collection?
Daughter: This is him!
Me: Wow he's pretty big! And what's his name?
Daughter: Big Girl.
Daughter: Because he's a big girl.
Me: I have no idea what to say now.
Daughter: His favorite food is sausage.
I spent an awkward portion of this morning explaining to my daughter why penguins are evil. And not a morally equivalent evil either. As in nature is cruel and mother nature - like all women is a callous monster - so that's why the female preying mantis does that to the male. No - I meant pure evil of such magnitude that scientists have so far been unable to explain why they do what they do. I didn't just blurt out the word evil either - I painted a picture. So when my daughter saw a penguin on that Youtube video where it trips another penguin and asked why it did that I said, "because penguins can't be trusted." She laughed at me at first and said I was being silly. I let it go for now. But I've planted a seed. I want her to question why they queue up before they jump in the water like that (surely a sedative and threats to their children's lives are at work here?). Why do you never see one penguin just barging right through the group screaming and then bombing into the water? I want her to question why they need to feed each other in such a way. I want her to connect the dots between the parallel rise between the increased frequency of animated penguin cartoons and the rise of knife crime. Because deep in my heart I feel that she may be our John Conner in the coming Wars.
Anyway, this morning's trip to the thrift store was a bust. They were pretty much clearing out the main room for Christmas stuff. My daughter urged me to buy the four foot tall animatronic Christmas moose that they had. When I said we didn't need it (a frequently used but pointlessly accurate excuse I tend to make) she pointed out to me that her Grandpa would like it. Yes he would, which is why I don't want it in my house. Because Grandpa also liked that singing fish from a few years ago. And he genuinely laughs like he can't breathe when he sees a Progressive Insurance commercial. And he watches Judge Judy religiously. And worst of all, when being made to watch The Usual Suspects all the way to the end (a whole decade after it originally came out) after Kevin Spacey gets into the car and your mind is freaking blown, he said, "I don't get it." Therefore seeing as I am not the sort of person that thinks According To Jim is funny I don't want an animatronic Christmas moose in my house.
Obviously I'll be buying it next week.