Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Swimming In Snot

Daughter: I know what we can do! Let's have a bonfire. But this time let's have it outside!
Me: Umm, where was the last one?
Daughter: Upstairs. I had a secret one earlier.
Me:............

This would have worried me a whole lot more if she had actually been home instead of at school. I did check on the Six O'Clock news and the school is still there. Phew.

It's swimming day. My daughter has been prepped for this all weekend. It's the be-all and end-all this time. Not going today means it is all over. Her mother told her matter-of-factly that she is going to be swimming this morning so that she can go swimming with her later in the week. My daughter waited just five minutes after her mother left to tell me she didn't want to go. I knew it was important because she said it right after asking for a Posicle (where did that come from?). We are getting ready to head out and I'll give her one more chance.

She has a bugger of a cold this morning too. Coughing like a chain smoker, she is. This whole thing of acquiring diseases from other people is getting annoying. Mind you we're all blaming my wife for this one. She says she didn't get it from the school visit but from a coworker who bravely came in and snotted all over everyone. She ended up with the sexiest voice ever. It was like a cross between Claire Robinson from Food Network and a goose. As an aside she saw Claire Robinson's show this past weekend and quickly quipped (after I commented I thought she was hot) that she looks like she has puppy dog ears. I pointed out that was exactly what I was getting at. Anyway, my wife got my son sick and therefore got no sleep this weekend. My daughter is no croaking and snotting on things. I - seemingly in a backwards alternate dimension - have remained untouched by the demon-snot. Why can't it always be like this?

My son overshot the toilet yesterday. He had napped for 45 minutes and I needed him to wake up, go to the toilet and then zoom out the door to go pick his sister up from school. If I had just scooped him out and gone it would be likely that when he awoke he'd pee all over the place. When you wake him his body does what all men's bodies do when they wake in the morning. Meaning he had Afternoon Wood - a natural way to hold back the waterfall of wizz that would come spilling out without it. But not having the urethral control of a Black Belt Dad like myself he started peeing. Except it shot across the room and landed all over the floor two feet away. He wasn't awake enough to be surprised. He's clearly going to win those peeing-up-the-toilet-wall competitions in high school though. As long as he's not that weird kid that stuffs the toilets with paper and then wipes his own shit on the mirror I don't care.

Why did kids do that?

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