Wednesday, November 30, 2011

The Nut Job

"I drilled your belly open to let the germs out. It was a nice dream."

Sometimes I regret asking my daughter what it is she had been dreaming about. I quickly said, ".....and...?" and waited. While I was mulling this over (and frankly wondering whether I should keep going to see what happened next) my son started screaming, "Spaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Which is his word for spider. There wasn't one. There had been one a few days before and he was so pleased with himself for not only noticing it but also knowing it's name that he randomly breaks out the act again. So my daughter then claimed that after she had drilled by belly open spiders came out. Which is actually pretty terrifying.

Then she asked to play the Spider In Your Ear game. It's fairly simple. She puts a spider in my ear (not a real one - we aren't demented) and then pretends to get it out. I have to say that whatever she got out is something else. Like, "no, that's a bucket filled with horse nipples" or, "how did Jim Lehrer get in there?" Eventually I just calmly say that she pulled out a spider and then we hide under the blanket. No idea why we do the last part. I'm going off that game though because having a four year old jab their jagged razor-like fingernails into my soft inner-ear gets sore rather quickly.

I have to get the Christmas guff out today. I was delaying it until December but then that's in one day now. We have wreaths and calendars and whatnot that will look nice and not get thrown all over the place if I get them out now. I've already pulled out a few things. My daughter remembered a cheap plastic cup of Santa's head that she liked last year. It has a straw that plummets right down into the top of Santa's skull. Consequently my daughter has been running around claiming to be drinking Santa's brain. When asked what it tastes like (she should have said milk seeing as that's what it was) she said, "my old parent's brains."

Good Lord child stop being insanely psychotic about imaginary old dead parents. I've tried interrupting her and telling her it's okay to say, "they're on vacation" when she's pretending to be another child in her own empty big house. That doesn't work. Because that's where they were when they were killed. I hope this game ends very quickly. I've even tried pulling out Sophie The onion Sniffer and The Potato Monster last time and instead of that distracting her she showed them around her dead ex-parents house. Sigh.

Right - time to decipher my wife's handwriting. She's made a list of what's for dinner and I can't make it out at all. That is unless Tofu q/swutaks7 is an actual thing.

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