Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Vote For Me: I'm Covered In A Child's Urine

Yesterday afternoon I watched my daughter hit herself in the nose and then blame her brother.

I was staring at her for a good two minutes before she did it too. No finesse or tact at all. She twatted herself in the nose/mouth and just started screaming in mock-outage. She was in that mood kids get when the very fact that someone would dare be in the same room as them infuriates them into a rage. She was squawking and kicking out and her brother who was all the way on the other side of the room, his back to her, playing with his trains. He was oblivious. Which pissed her off even more. Realizing she can't get the little bastard in trouble if he isn't doing anything she wrapped herself up in a blanket and lay directly over the train tracks. She then shrieked for help. Partly because she knew her brother would inevitably bash a train into her and then realize that there was a face that he could sit on. But also partly because she's still victim to the allure of a good thrilling story, and what is more thrilling than a woman bound and tied to a railway coupling waiting for someone to rescue her? He did bump her with a train. She whined and raged. I told her to stop being ridiculous. Then he sat on her face - giggles aplenty. She 98% squealed and angrily yelled, but also 2% laughed at how silly it is. I calmly pointed out that as she wasn't even vaguely attempting to protect herself that it couldn't eb all that bad. So after seething for a minute she hit herself.

She was apoplectic that I didn't believe her. I told her how absurd it all was. I bloody well watched her! But she insisted and insisted. After finally realizing it clearly wasn't working she claimed it had happened when I wasn't looking, "super quickly." Then, "it happened earlier when you were eating strawberries." Now I was irritated. How dare she accuse me of sitting about eating strawberries! I don't even like strawberries (they taste too much like strawberries). That angry whine lasted until right before bedtime when she tried to bring it all up again complete with mock-crying and, "but he is soooo mean to me!" whining. I wasn't having it. This series of completely unnecessary fits is three weeks deep and I'm not going to let it seep into a fourth without pointing out how fucking absurd it is. Remarkably after telling her to cut that shit out (I didn't use those words) she just stopped and her mother put her to bed. This morning she has been a smiling pleasant sunny little girl.

Moments after the failed character assassination she and her brother decided to form an alliance and make 4.45 until 5.45 a gigantic Pissing Parade. He has been good as gold lately but would not sit on the toilet. If he just stayed there for five minutes he would have succeeded at getting out a Number Two and been on his way. Instead he soiled three pairs of pants by leaking slightly before, during and after the refusal to sit down. In the middle of this - and while I was trying to make dinner - my daughter started getting irritated that I wasn't giving all my attention to her. So she started throwing a tennis ball as hard as she could at the kitchen door. Told her to stop. Sat on the kitchen floor and smacked three Choc Full O'Nuts coffee cans with a giant marble over and over again. Please - stop! Then she realized she needed to go to the toilet immediately, but chose to crawl there. Bizarrely she decided to stop en route and stuff the flyer asking for a vote for a local Republican county legislator into her knickers. And then pissed herself. I don;t wish to sully an innocent man but it's pretty much par for the course that an elected official has urinated on a child, so this role-reversal was interesting at least. I made her clean it up (then cleaned it up properly after her sloppy there-still-clearly-piss-on-the-floor effort) and go get changed. When she reappeared she was all smiles and happy.

This was a good hour before she was to go to bed and right before her mother got home. And when I say she reappeared I obviously mean she came back into the living room swinging a belt, shirtless and wearing a Jester's hat. Oh - she was also singing a brand new song that goes, "Niagara Falls, I love your balls."

I know you're thinking that's ridiculous. Surely artistic license. Well...

Moments later when her mother pulled in the driveway she yelled, "Daddy the police are here!"

Chance would be a fine thing.

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