Monday, December 19, 2011

Empress Flounce And The Octogone

"I'm afraid someone has hidden an octopus in your armpit...."

I've come up with a pretty decent new storyline for my kids and I to entertain ourselves to. It's a turn on the notion of evil twins that tends to pop up in children's cartoons and soap operas. In our case we all discover that we have an evil twin who is trying to take over our jobs and rule the world. So my daughter's evil twin is Empress Flounce - who incidentally is very bad at bouncing. My son's evil twin is Dr. Wonk - a name I went with after discarding the completely inappropriate Wank The Duck after a trail run. He is so evil that he's not even a real doctor and is practicing without the appropriate licenses. My daughter let slip some inherent genius too by accidentally calling Dr. Wonk Empress Flounce's, "sidetick." Which sounds appropriately horrible. My evil twin isn't a Captain like me either. No - he's an evil man of the cloth named Chaplain Squeezelick. Which considering some of the accusations leveled at the Catholic church may be a genuine priest's name.

To throw a curve-ball into this whole thing my daughter also combined another non-original idea into this. Which is using the doctor kit that she has to determine which animal and/or fruit is stuck inside her (which is actually a nice circular tie in to the Catholic church again). So I - the real Captain Cheesestick - have to determine what she - the real Princess Bounce - has had hidden inside her by the evil twin Empress Flounce. So far it seems to be a repeated insertion of an octopus. While she was asleep, obviously. I use all the tools in our medical kit to diagnose her before giving her some medicine known as Octogone - which is a name she came up with all on her own. She will then diagnose me with the same heinous octopus penetration (have fun with that one you callous linking bastards, Google).

That's as far with that as we've got so far. We don't diagnose my son because he's clearly oozing, "face-jello" - which is normally called snot by most people. But we'll presumably figure out a way to end this story and move on to something new at some point soon. Christmas week is upon us so I'm sure these guys will take a back seat for a week or so.

Outside of playing that we are pretty much sitting around and waiting for a dentist appointment this morning for my daughter. She's pretty excited by the prospect of it all. I dearly hope the dentist doesn't genuinely find any cavities. She brushes with an electric toothbrush, flosses most days and even swills (although briefly) with Act. I'll be even more irate if they try that, "oh there are potential cavities between the teeth that may form if we don't attempt a good old fashioned American pre-emptive strike first," nonsense. Yes that's right - an Englishman is guffing on about how dentistry in this country is weird. Well it is. But to counter it I'm going to give my daughter a ruddy good clean before we go.

Staying on the same sort of theme my wife cooked dinner last night. It was impromptu and basically was a taco-less chicken taco recipe but with way more vegetables and rice instead. It was pretty good. We playfully called it Chicken Chaser in a lame attempt to make it sound fun and cool. I looked on in dismay at my daughter knowing she wouldn't eat it. She asked for a blob of butter on her rice and then tried to eat that all by itself. She even tried to shake the rice off it that was stuck. I was certain we would have another annoying evening of non-eating when she asked for confirmation that the little green stuff in her dinner were peppers. She hates vegetables like peppers. So I quickly said, "nope - those are green capsicum. They're Australian and have seeds -so are actually a fruit." So my daughter ate it all. Then four more servings. She kept asking my wife for more and more beans. We actually had to request that she stop eating.

How did that happen? I feed her great things with vegetables and beans in them. She won't go near them. But here she had fifths? I even asked her what came next in the phrase, "Beans, beans, good for your heart. The more you eat the more you....?" To which she answered the more healthy you get. Then she quickly rejected that and said, "the more you eat the more you can fill up balloons." Which is actually quite astute.

So today I'm not making dinner. I'm just keeping the leftovers from that meal and giving her that to see what happens. Then I can claim some sort of victory meal of my own. If she won't eat it I will claim that Empress Flounce and her goons (I will use the word, "goons" as well) have challenged us to a dinner-eating competition.

Oh the things you can achieve by lying to children purely for fun.

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