Sunday, December 18, 2011

The Blue Tip

The last few nights haven't brought much sleep. Friday night my son and I got up at 2.15am due the amount of coughing, sneezing and general emptying of snot we were engaged in. He ended up thinking it was the best idea ever. He went bonkers for a good hour and enjoyed the magic if gravity not causing thick turgid snot-phlegm clogging up his throat. By 3am he gave me a look that said we should definitely do this every single night. Then his body noticed he hadn't slept and he almost literally fell down asleep while I watched Screenwipe on Youtube. After that I plonked him back upstairs next to his mother to comfort him and tried dozing on the couch listening to my MP3 player. Probably squeezed in another thirty minutes before accepting that I should nip it in the bud and use the opportunity to brush up on some Governor of Poker 2.

Then last night I was called into emergency action four times by our dog. Evidently he was savaged by some sort of Midnight Shitting Frenzy. No idea what the soft little bugger had eaten but it did not agree with him at all. As soon as dinner ended he began chuffing out what my wife said were the most noxious clouds of evil she'd ever inhaled via him. I could only smell that thick snotty snot smell so was immune. But at 2am I heard him crash through the safety gate (we still put that up at night - not for the kids really but to stop the dog spending time downstairs barking at squirrels out the window at 3am) and squealing with anxiety in the living room. My, "He Needs A Shit" sense went off - now expertly honed from being responsible for someone else's movements - and I made it down to let him out. He spent twenty minutes scooting around in the snow trying to force out whatever demon had possessed his colon. After he did it the forth time it was just after 3am so figured I'd just get up and stay up for fear he'd curl out a, "Beige Canoe" on the living room floor.

But today we made a last-minute decision to come up north to the inlaws to decorate their tree with them. They said they hadn't done it and had planned to have us come and do it. But my wife has been super busy at work and I wanted her to spend time making cookies with her daughter. We'd done that and I'd planned on heading into Syracuse to check out flooring, buy some Fish Sauce from an Asian store and maybe even squeeze in breakfast somewhere. But after getting my wife up she decided that being really lazy was a much better idea. So I ended up scuttling around outside in the thin layer of snow we'd had. I had promised my daughter we'd go out and couldn't break it when she insisted we do that early on. Whilst out I was reminded of something that I imagine most women (and some man obviously) have no concept of - Frozen Tip. I had a good hat and pair of gloves on. A good winter coat and warm clothes. But I hadn't readjusted the Trouser Tapeworm (worst description ever) and ended up thinking it might be a good idea to stir my hot chocolate with it.

Anyhoo - moving on. After coming inside we checked in with the inlaws and the first thing they did over speakerphone (which I loathe beyond comprehension) was ask if we were going to visit to help decorate the tree. Actually they flat out invited the kids assuming we'd answer on their behalf. Any parent knows you don't ask a child if they want to do something that you can't commit to. It's a bit like me wandering into my daughter's classroom in the middle of school and just saying, "Hey kids!! Who here wants to set off fireworks in a bouncy castle coated in whipped cream!!!" and then walking out to leave the teacher handle the aftermath. So after my daughter said that sounded phenomenal we ended up just capitulating and jumping in the van. It's two meals and some sit down time we earned for nowt anyway. Add they travel for three months during the deepest part of winter so it seemed mean to not do it.

It also means my daughter got to take photos of somewhere else for a change. More of that tomorrow. In the meantime I shouldn't use just these 45 minutes as my only moments of alone time. And my wife seems to want to sit around eating gluten-free crackers and watch Food Network with me as well.

I'm in.

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