Thursday, December 8, 2011

The Enemy Within

"Daddy I have something to tell you. It's a secret. I am Princess Bounce....."

Quite the revelation. My daughter announced this to me last night about six times. Then again this morning about four times. Then she also told me other secrets. They are as follows -:

1) If you wear socks in the kitchen you can ice skate indoors.
2) If you wake up too early on Christmas Day you might see Santa and he'll tell you to go back to sleep.
3) Someone covered the ground outside in marshmallows while we were asleep. She thinks she knows who it was. Then she whispered, "Dr. Bonk did it."

Well that's nice. She reveals herself as a secret superhero - ergo pretty much outing her brother as her sidekick. And then subsequently throw him under the bus. I'll have to find out what tension there is between them. Something has gone awry to cause the two closest superhero friends that The Village Of Victory (that's where we live) has ever seen to become enemies. I suspect that Captain Cheesestick has some involvement. Questions will be asked. And if necessary - arse will be kicked.

I have to come up with some sort of treat this morning. My wife and I very much agreed that a certain girl needed a shower this morning. She had not only fermented yesterday's odor but had developed a new one as well. She didn't want one. I had barely finished the sentence, "you can have a treat if..." and she was naked and waiting to get it. I briefly had in mind going to a nearby chocolate store. There's no way it isn't expensive though. The Russian ethnic store is a good 45 minute drive away but has a fantastic pile of indeterminable candies in it. The colors and pictures on the wrapper seemingly have no bearing as to what the actual candy tastes like. Add a lot of them just have pictures of bears on them. Like this little chocolate one which is roughly translated as The Chocolate Coated Pigeon Toed Bear.


And being from an entirely different culture the flavors of some are not what you'd normally expect. I remember last time we got some looking up some and one was hot pepper and another was described as tasting of boiled milk. And loads of them are rum, cognac and vodka flavored. I have to come up with something though.

On a different subject my daughter has started sabotaging our sleeping pattern. When I put her to bed we do the usual routine all fine. After reading (at the moment Charlie and The Chocolate Factory is about half way done) and telling stories about when I was a little advent calendar chocolate/caterpillar/toenail we switch off the light and lie down. My daughter then carefully arranges herself over one of my arms. So if I move - which I am very eager to do once she's asleep - she has to be moved off my arm. One day she also folded one arm backwards under herself so that if I rolled off I would have to squash her hand. She freely admitted this. To really top it off a few sleeps ago she held her hands up to her eyes with her thumbs pointed down at her face. Thereby when I tried to pull myself free she stabbed herself in both eyes. Genius in one aspect but frikking annoying. She's started waking up right after I get out of the room and calling me back. It now takes three or four attempts to shuffle out of the room or rearrange her body so that she doesn't deliberately hurt herself and spring the sleep trap she set up to keep me there.

Add that in the mornings - my precious free time - my son is getting up when I do. Which means that firstly I can't get up at 4am and have to lie in bed uncomfortable, claustrophobic and irritable until at least 5am. And then when I'm downstairs I have to pay close attention to him because he doesn't really want to get up and tries to go back upstairs and wake everyone up. This morning he was very clearly asleep (oddly) at 5am so I got up. He immediately jumped up like a nocturnal ninja beast and grabbed me before I'd stepped away from the bed. When we got downstairs he wanted me to hold him under a blanket on the couch as he decided whether to sleep again or not. He can't actually go back to sleep though because he's convinced that he's either missing quality train-playing time, or not close enough to his mother to ensure she's kept awake for no good reason. So in a selfish sense my mornings where I listen to music or stand up, write nonsense and play with my music collection have been sorely lacking for a few weeks now. After my wife leaves for work they want nothing to do with me so I can get a little relaxing done.

But it also means my own schedule of stuff gets shoved back. I still have laundry and kitchen stuff to clean. My 30 minutes of headphones-on (and loudly singing to the kitchen sink) with one eye on the busy playing kids while I wash dishes and counter tops is now after 8am instead of at 7am. Getting my daughters photos and stuff on here keeps getting delayed. I havent even taken them off the camera yet today. Not a great deal of movement but still enough to throw my perfect equilibrium off.

Okay - time to figure out what criminality Captain Cheesestick has been dabbling in. I'm guessing some sort of mind-ray set on a reversable polarity to cause best friends and/or superheroes with sidekicks to become mortal enemies and attempt to get each other in trouble via scurrilous lies.

"Dr. Bonk just stole a boat Daddy."

This is worse than I thought......

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