Monday, December 12, 2011

The Pigeon And The Pastie

I just lost three Dad points.

I took my son off to the bathroom. My method in there is to plop him down and then say, "I'll be back in a second." Then he tends to forget to hold it in (he needs to go - but he's naturally inclined to hold it in as long as he can) while wondering where I've buggered off to. I'm just stood out of eyesight normally - although sometimes I have to run up and grab a dry pair of undies. But also because he's a boy he's gross so he tends to hold his willy while pee gushes out.  Which means he gets it on his hand. I walk back in while he's letting it loose and remind him not to get pee on his hands. But today my daughter was playing a game on the computer (Callilou on PBS Kids - good game) and I took a few seconds too long. By the time I came back in I had heard the sounds of water-stirring-water cease and my son was happily licking his wet hand dry. Ack. I had a quick conversation with him that unless you are Bear Grylls or in a fraternity you don't drink your own piss.

But that's not it as far as Tales From The Urine-Nation go.Yesterday my son peed on Raggedy Anne. And she just lay there - grinning like a pervert.I've never seen him do what he did before. He wasn't just sitting around emptying either. He tried to let me know what was going on but got it spectacularly wrong. He tried to shufty his pants down to be helpful whilst telling me "pee-pee" so that I could get him to the toilet. Instead he used too much force, tied his legs together and fell down like a drunkard pissing all over he legs due to the shock of the fall.

Also yesterday morning my daughter introduced me to a brand new song. It goes like this -:

Red, and yellow and PARRP and green
Purple and orange and FRRRRRUMMMP
I can toot a rainbow! Toot a rainbow!
Toot a rainbow TOOOOOOOTTTTT!!!!

It was quite an emotional rendition. Just to be clear she didn't loudly state the words in Caps Lock - she made very loud farting noises. She got quite annoyed when I tried singing it later as well. It was almost as if she was insulted that I couldn't come up with my own unique remix on a classic, so was just ripping off her version wholesale and trying to pass it off as my own.

The last few times I've put her to bed too she's asked that I tell her a story, "when you were a little stocking." I have to say that my friends are Steve, Sammy and Stinky - who is just a real sock and no-one really knows why he's pretending to be a stocking. Then I describe being hung up for Christmas on Christmas Eve. Then the next morning everyone gets to find out what cool things are inside me, Steve and Sammy - but not Stinky because he's just a sock. But that's not all. There are four of us (my wife and I and the two kids) so one of us doesn't get a stocking at all. No - that person (oddly me as well) gets some Christmas underpants with the leg holes sewn up. The end.

Lastly I took a video of my daughter, "dancing." I've thought long and hard about how to describe this to people. So far I've come up with a cross between someone being electrocuted by fifteen different people, and a pigeon trying to eat a dropped pastie. Note the song she's dancing to isn't some banging spazzmotic Djent metal song. No - it's a Christmas song. You are going to want to strap in for this one. Her "moves" at the end are something to behold.

You'll all be dancing like that now.

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