Saturday, January 14, 2012

Color Me Badd

One of the nicest things about where I live is the New York State Fair. Frankly it rocks. I don't care about the food or the rides or any of that guff. I like looking at the stuff (animals, 4H, displays, etc) and things like that. But mostly I care about the free stuff you can get as provided by state bodies and organizations at work in New York. It's not every day you can walk away from one place with a guide book on how to keep bees, take a free lung capacity test, grab a bat rabies fridge magnet, have my daughter do crafts with the various conservation bodies and collect a few bags filled with coloring books and trinkets. At the very least the health and safety stuff you can pick up is at least an interesting to bonus to people-watching with my family for a whole day.

Which is what I wanted to share today. My daughter picked up two whole bags of coloring books about this stuff. As a lot of it is made by governmental bodies for young kids it is - of course - pretty strange. So here goes.

First up the state senate coloring book for kids. Yep - this is aimed at kids three years old and up. Oddly the book failed to point out how the state senate in NY is often the laughing stick of the nation. It's mostly a room filled with childish petulant argumentative turnips who seem to think it's okay to behave like a room full of six year old kids on cocaine. A year or so ago both parties actually tried to physically lock each other out of the main chamber to force their own bills through. They even both had their own gavels and Speaker to make it all official and tried to shout over each other. Yet someone had time to make a coloring book whilst they were flinging their own shit at each other.

Now this is clearly a piss take. Because if there's one thing absolutely solidly true about this state is that people involved in NY politics with any power could not give two farks about anywhere outside the New York City boroughs. Disproportionate doesn't even come close to explaining it. As in, "we want a new stadium for the Yankees and the rest of the state which will NEVER visit it is going to pay for it!" - whilst running political ads explaining how people who don't want that are traitors and wish 9/11 had killed more people. Toxic stuff. A majority of the state have political leanings, lifestyles and expectations completely at odds with the city (not lumping myself in here). Mostly though it's how magically special people from NY city keep insisting on pointing out that they see themselves as that irritates. My wife remembers a woman during her PhD who pompously pointed out that, "in the city we care more about right angles." The animosity is palpable too. Mostly because it's built upon being annoyed with the arrogant self-righteous "I live in the center of the universe" attitude of people who claim liberal tolerance and whatnot but think that anyone who lives south of Long Island is automatically an inbred Southern hillbilly horse fucker.

This looks like a combination mental-illness/AA meeting. I can tell by the dour depressed look on the Ron Swanson lookalike and the fact one of them is actually curled up in the fetal position on their chair.

Ah here we go - nobody likes lawyers and politicians are almost all entirely lawyers.

This is what politicians are not.

Look how happy there are - being forced to sing a song glorifying the state. Not unlike things we are supposed to find creepy in countries filled with foreign people no?

Moving on - this isn't actually called The FEMA Book Of Death, but it probably should be.

Look at that awfulness. It's like the Apocalypse - but for kids to color in.

Every five year old needs to have the right supplies when the bomb hits. And out of this selection every five year old is picking a skateboard, a PB&J sandwich and some toilet paper - for when things get rough later.

Do we get tornadoes here? No - we don't. But you can buy the insurance for it.

Weirdly a lot of the book is made up of telling young kids that their state is riddled with terrifying contractible diseases. They are everywhere. And the bad ones are wearing cartoonish bad-guy eye mask things apparently.

Wait - I think I know what the problem is here. You keep your nasty garbage can in the bathroom. Please don't tell me you're using the toilet for Number Ones and the can for Number Twos.

Moving on and last one - lets tell kids about fruit and veg shall we?

This is where you food comes from. Well no - it comes from Mexico and China. But this is where it could come from. What you'll notice then is that all of these items are not linked to a particular state - but all are entering the Lower 48 from outside.

Look at that tache. Ned's pretty buff isn't he? He looks good - except for that serial killer stare.

Muffin scabs are a real problem in New York.

Something seems wrong with this picture...?

Wait - that's better. A nice companion picture for the, "we thank you Jesus for this food" meme going around. Everyone in this country who rails against scary Mexican infiltration best get clued up on who does what in this country before they spout off to me again.


  1. Congratulations, New York, on having a state muffin!

  2. I was checking one of those State Foods websites where they list these sorts of things. So Key Lime Pie in Florida and Smith Island Cake (whatever that is) in Maryland. Massachusetts apparently named a state everything - cookie, muffin, snack item, dessert - the lot. Oklahoma has an actual state meal (Fried okra, squash, cornbread, barbecue pork, biscuits, sausage and gravy, grits, corn, strawberries, chicken fried steak, pecan pie, and black-eyed peas) which is impressive. But my favorite though is that Illinois just went ahead and picked popcorn. You can't pick that - EVERYONE eats that. It's hardly indicative on Illinois is it?

  3. Ron Swanson....brilliant!