Sunday, January 8, 2012

Scream Cheese and The Wiggloo

"Last night I heard the weathermen talking in my room."

That would be one of the first things my daughter told me yesterday morning. This is because it's above freezing and the snow has melted. So my daughter was employing that, "if I wish it to be then it will actually happen" logic by saying that whilst in bed the weathermen told her it would snow today. My wife quickly pointed out her displeasure at the idea the weatherman was in her room last night. Not me - I started ranking which one of our local meteorologists I would prefer to have in there, and which one I'd definitely not want in there. It's amazing what kind of surface-judgements you can develop about strangers on TV when you have to imagine them having broken into your kids bedroom just to tell them tomorrow's forecast.

After that my daughter and I made a Wiggloo on the couch. It's like an igloo but involves a lot more wiggling. Actually to be honest it pretty much just involves covering us with a blanket and wiggling around. My son then ran off into the kitchen to point at the food cupboards. Which means he wanted breakfast. So my daughter got some maple brown sugar oatmeal and my son got an onion bagel. Knowing my daughter well I threw a bagel in for her as well. She then began insisting that my son didn't say he wanted a bagel, but actually wanted a badger, a banana and a bumcheek. Pretty soon it was very clear that everyone agreed that they were eating a bagel, but that it was covered in scream cheese. It was quite a loud morning.

I tried to putter around for the morning after that - enjoying having my wife keep an eye on the children while I goofed about. Of course my daughter wanted me to sit with her and help with an activity book instead. So we played Tic Tac Toe and Spot The Difference. My daughter then wanted my help to do a word-search about dinosaurs (of course). She didn;t quite understand the concept of why a word search exists and thought it was pretty silly that they'd write the words down and then chuck all these other letters all around them as well. After we finished she triumphantly yelled, "They thought they could trick us, but they couldn't!" Exactly.

So after lunch I took an hour to myself yesterday. During which time my daughter had a school friend over for a play date. I actually figured I'd go wander around a Salvation Army store and see if they had football shirts or Thomas the Tank Engine trains. As expected they did have quite a lot of shirts. There were also about ten times as many people as are usually at my grocery store. One man was inexplicably piling up televisions after he'd plugged them in to buy. I counted eight of them. Either he owns a motel or he was mental. I ended up leaving with nowt and going home to find my daughter happily bouncing around showing her friend all her stuff. Like how to do a flip on her brother's indoor trampoline. Which he definitely could not do as evidenced by him nearly snapping his neck and kicking the window. I also found it pretty interesting that he seemed to think my son was a baby. As in he would get right into his face and, "Goo Goo!!" at him and seemed bewildered that he could understand anything. When my daughter told him certain toys were my son's the play date thought that was impossible because there was no way he could play with them being a baby and all.

Obviously while the two four year old children ran around my wife asked if they were going to start kissing soon. So I told her their probably hiding in the cupboard playing I'll Show You Mine If You Show Me Yours. Which made my wife cringe because she still thought that it might be true. It's this sort of thinking that makes me despair. My wife is a pure, honest, intelligent, beautiful woman - who just so happens to think that four year old's might be thinking about touching each others naughty bits. I find this logic irritating. Mostly because she has had time to think about how she innately feels and still thinks it's okay to ask me if they are kissing in the cupboard. And yet when I tell her that the prior night I had an inappropriate dream about our female bank manager she behaved like I did it on purpose. Right - I was unconscious and it was in the middle of a nightmare and apparently I should be held culpable. She watches two four year old kids hiding in a cupboard because the radio controlled car they were driving (very poorly) might get them - and the assumes that it was all a ruse so they could sneak a quick necking session in.

Which means today I'm going to hear my wife repeatedly and publicly hope that her children don't want to be slutty. Yay.

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