Saturday, January 7, 2012

The Pipe

My daughter hasn't said anything massively inappropriate in a good while now. Well - apart from that she's an Aryan obviously. So it was with great pleasure that whilst at the public library yesterday that she decided to return to her true self.

The kids part of the library we use is downstairs. My son had fallen into a comatose sleep and I'd carried him into the library and plonked him on a couch in the kids room. My daughter and I were wandering the aisles gathering books when she told me she needed to go to the bathroom. Then she shot off back up the stairs to go. For the very first time in our lives together I told she can go off by herself and deal with it. The librarian knows us well and she can't leave without going past them. Besides - she literally isn't strong enough to open the main door. After she'd stomped up the stairs it I had the strong realization that I do actually need to go with her and began to follow her up. Partly because of the fact that I am her Dad and she's four and a half. But also partly because I suddenly envisaged in my head her yelling, "Daddy! I need help wiping!!" at full volume through the library. Instead she mildly yelled that she didn't know of the two bathrooms was for girls. So when I got to her I told her either one was fine and she went in. At which point my son woke up. While she did what she does in there (which apparently today was to sing about a blue hippo) I stood the other side of the wall and looked at some of the newer books the library had in. You never know - maybe something would jump out at me that I'd want to read. Instead I, the main librarian, the clerk who also is a lifeguard at the YMCA with us sometimes and a rather attractive young lady who was playing peek-a-boo with my son suddenly heard my little girl screaming, "Daddy! my happy bumcheek is stuck!!!" They all looked at me. I just-loud enough remarked that at least it was the happy one.

Earlier in the day I'd caused my own embarrassment by going to the grocery store with my son whilst my daughter was at school. Right before I'd seen her on to the bus she'd used our bathroom at home and informed me we were out of toilet paper. I checked the cupboards we store it in and sure enough we were out. So I had no choice but to go at the earliest opportunity before my son realized the mayhem he could get up to. As I'd already been grocery shopping for the week I wanted to make sure I was focused. No dallying around the snacks or checking out the meat section for deals. Just get the toilet paper and leave. Sadly I did check the meat aisle so lost that battle, but I didn't buy anything so really I'm the winner there. Except I'm not because when I got to the cash register my usual friendly checkout lady was there. She said a nice hello to my son and then asked me what plans I had for the afternoon. At which point I plonked down an eight-pack of toilet paper and nothing else. She glanced at the toilet paper and I could tell in her head she heard me say, "oh - I'm going to be engaged in some quality shitting when I get home" in that sexy English accent she seems to like so much. I could sense the awkwardness of the moment so considered grabbing a king-size Snickers to make it seem like I was shopping for other things too. But then I realized that it would seem like I did need a poo, but that it might be of such size and girth that I may be in there so long that I should carry a snack in there with me as well. Instead I said, "I'm probably going to the library and hoping my son takes a nap."

Hopefully she didn't add that to the prior concern and think that I was planning on birthing such a massive tube of monkey fudge that I was going to a public building and hoping other people could hold my son during the thirty minutes or so I'd be piping it out.

No comments:

Post a Comment