Saturday, March 31, 2012

Funderpants Friday

So lets finish the excitement that is decorating paper underpants.

We spent a brief (pun of the day, that - no question about it) time goofing about with this yesterday. Mostly my daughter was more excited with hiding plastic Easter eggs around the house, then rabidly announcing to me that the Easter Bunny had been and that it was time for an egg hunt. Of course my daughter would forget - each time - where she'd hidden an egg and become frustrated that her collection was getting smaller. Then she'd expect me to actually find them. Which sounds easy enough - but when you consider that she'd hidden one inside a toilet-paper tube in the bathroom cupboard then you start to get some idea of how tricky this was. My son, bless his little dirty face, was also Gung-ho for this game. But instead of hiding the eggs cleverly around the house he tended to bury his entire pile of eggs under a blanket a foot away from where he started. Then he would come and get me and then yell, "SURPRISE!!!" once he'd immediately uncovered them.

But in the afternoon we did decorate underpants. My daughter was less enthusiastic about doing it herself, but more enthusiastic about me making them for her. Which I will only do for one more day. It's probably true that this wanders into weirdo territory when my daughter isn't even involved in it and I charge into the living-room hoping for approval for my latest pair of sparkly paper underpants. Anyhoo - here goes.

This would be the original template that she brought home from school. So those of you who asked why I picked old-fashioned briefs - I didn't - the teacher at school had spent hours printing out pages of little children's underpants at home late one night. See - nothing weird at all. 

And before we get going - here's my son's contribution. These are his Jackson Pollock pants. The briefs really are underneath all that spasmodic scribbling. I now hope to visit an art gallery and loudly declare with disdain that whichever Pollock they have displayed looks no better than my son's underpants.

These are my daughter's main solo-contributions to yesterday.I like how she stuck a gold star in the middle of the snowflake on the left pair. Also my daughter really liked the idea that if you were hungry and realized that you were not wearing your gravy underpants, that you could reach down to your crotch, press a button and tow candy canes would fall out of the leg holes. Delicious.

Success and failure here. They look tame and okay from a distance. So let's also take a close-up.

I've labeled this as Children Of The Groin on my computer. It seemed appropriate as a description at the time, but I best change that I think. Perhaps to World Of War Pants. I can't help but hear Peter Gabriel singing, "Suki plays with Leo, Sacha plays with Britt. Adolf builds a bonfire, Enrico plays with it." when I look at these though. You might think that is a clever depiction on my part of the childish nature of war and the lamentation of Enrico Fermi's development of nuclear weaponry. It is a bit - but it's probably just because he says the word, "willy' in that song.

Speaking of which - these underpants are next to the World of War Underpants. It's supposed to be a picture of a pterodactyl that my daughter asked me to drawer. Instead it looks like a horrifying disfigured zombie penis. With eyes. Actually I imagine this is what the willy of that thing that lives in someone's chest in Total Recall looks like. I don't imagine it too often though.

Quickly moving on - these are my most and least favorite I think.On the left you may recognize a classic - a depiction of me from an old drawing my daughter made of me as she sees me (complete with some sort of radiating confusion waves) from about 9 months ago. Classic stuff. Yes I drew that per my daughter's request. On the right is some hodge-podge of American sports ephemera on a pair of underpants. Which only serves to remind me that some people are so weird about their chosen teams that they do actually buy special underpants for five times the normal price just so they can have say Mark Sanchez's face twitching awkwardly on their groin all day long. I'm not too impressed with these underpants save for the fact that all the stickers are sports related except one on the backside of the helmet which is of a squirt of water. It's possibly motivational - I simply don't know.

Anyhoo - here's my portrait close up. I do have this uncomfortable fear that someone will make these now, and randomly use the flap on male underpants to have a pee. Ergo leading to me seemingly having one of the worms from Tremors eruting out of one of my ears.

Okay last pair. I'm responsible for the one's on the left, and my daughter for the other pair. We are going to need to see these closer so...

My daughter's Achievement Underpants. She liked my suggestion that each labeled sticker could be pressed and a hidden device in the lining would say the words out loud. I sort of did too - until I realized the implications meant that if my daughter were wearing them and felt pleased with herself she would likely stand up in front of everyone, whip her pants off and then start prodding buttons on her underpants to express her pride.She probably does that now if I'm honest.

And lastly, the most esoteric pair from yesterday. These have everything. And by that I mean everything that a pair of underpants should not have. As in insects, food and a massive hand in them. My daughter wanted me to glue a blue hand to a pair so I did. I thought it'd be fun to have them reaching out from inside, but that sounded like it needed thought and skill to look good. So instead I just glued it right on the front. Then she picked out the stickers. Which, if you can't tell, are a devil-horns metal hand, a white smiley face, a small ant and (my favorite) a hot dog. They'll be selling these in Marks and Spencer's soon I'll bet.

It's a knockout.

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