Monday, April 23, 2012

Baby Daddy and The Lick Dancer

"He made all the babies in the whole world!!"

That was the declaration I heard from my daughter about my son as I entered the house at one point yesterday afternoon. Not to worry though - she went on to clarify that he is the baby-daddy of everyone in our town. And will even be the Daddy of her future baby. My wife rigorously focused on that last emphatic claim with the focus of someone performing Lasik eye surgery."Absolutely not," she repeated quite a lot. It says something when you ignore all the other morally reprehensible boasts that someone will impregnate every fertile woman in the area just to make sure that they don't think about impregnate one of them.

A little while later I ran through that dilemma of wanting badly to photograph something hilarious and entirely innocent, but knowing that doing so would lead to all kinds of awfulness. That being my son hiding behind my bedroom curtain. We'd all gone upstairs to as it was shower time. My kids - upon hearing that cleaning will occur - can get upstairs and remove every item of clothing (except underpants so that they are then allowed to jump on my bed) faster than Linford Christie eating an avocado. My son had gunned upstairs, ripped off some of his clothes but then overheard us saying we were going to have a shower instead of a bath. Which he doesn't like very much. Which meant he a) had to make a symbolic gesture of disgust, and b) had to hide lest we drag him in there. So he whipped off everything except his shirt and then hid behind the curtain. Using child logic that meant he had made his point (you can't tell me what to do) and was now invisible even though his wanger was sticking out giggling up and down behind a curtain. "Oh no - I can't find Owen anywhere..." I deadpanned. To which - ever the stage-ham - he felt compelled to burst forth from behind the curtain declaring, "SURPRISE!!!!" I wanted to film that because it's funny. But you can't do that. It's up there with his other legendarily bad hiding-from-the-shower trick of taking all of his clothes off, finding out it's a shower night, and then lying stark-naked on the floor except for putting his underpants over his face thereby making him completely invisible.

In other flirting-with-inappropriateness news my daughter introduced her family to Lick Dancing yesterday. Which is basically dancing around like she has been tasered and also can't quite make it to the toilet, and then licking someone. Which is odd enough in itself - but she's now very big on the idea of putting the right dance to the piece of music that is playing. And, as luck would have it, I'd randomly put on Girls and Boys by Blur. Which actually seemed quite clever of her. I was careful though not to play any King Missile or Soft Cell after that. Goodness only knows what she would have paired with that stuff.

Right now I need a mind-scrub. I say this because I woke up this morning both hearing the utter dirge that is Wet Wet Wet's utter shit Love Is All Around, but also seeing Marty Pellow grinning like a twat every time I closed my eyes. Just for you I went and got the link from Youtube. Instantly when I saw that pony-tailed twonk doing that excessively cheesy "look how sexy I am," gurn I thought he looked like disgraced Senator John Edwards crossed with Tom Cruise in Magnolia chunting, "Respect The Cock!"

The only thing making me happy about that image is the knowledge that quite a lot of you are going to have that appalling song stuck in your head as well.


  1. Oh my, when I read the title I my mind rearranged a couple of letters and I read: Baby Daddy and The D!&% Lancer! My eyes are tired.

  2. Ha! That sounds like the Baywatch Nights equivalent version of this blog entry.