Tuesday, April 17, 2012

The Strong And The Brave

This is the scariest thing in my son's entire universe.


No - not the horrendous pattern on the couch. And not even the massive scary dinosaur. This is a Touch and Feel book. Oddly enough my son doesn't read this sort of thing anymore preferring longer things with more words that he can repeat back. But this is new and is often lying around. My son is perfectly happy all the way through it. But when he gets to the last page he pulls a full Kevin Keegan and bottles it. That's because - irony of all ironies - he can't stand being licked by the T-Rex. It's tongue is too sticky for him. And he doesn't just hide - he slams the book shut, runs across the room and then chucks it in the newly dubbed Scary Book Cupboard, aggressively closing the door shut behind it.


And just to show that he's all mouth and no trousers he sometimes will yell at the cupboard afterwards. Obviously when I open the door again he runs away like a big Jessie. But then he'll go and get the book out a few minutes later and go through it all again. But it's not like when people watch a scary movie because they like how being briefly and safely terrified makes them feel (a good example being this so-scary-I-might-have-poo'd Julia Roberts picture). No - because once we get to the last page he genuinely loses it again and behaves like he's genuinely frightened of it.

It's not the only book he's frightened of either. He's also frightened of two other old short books that he no longer reads unless I break them out to terrorize him.We own two Mr. Croc pop-up books that are bland and absurd that he sort-of liked looking at before. First is this -:


Which features cracking stuff like this in it -:


It's all like that. But judging by his reaction to the last page it's as if he Duncan Ferguson has just come storming into the room demanding to punch a baby. Seriously look at the horror of it all -:


I imagine it's because it's so life-like. The ending of the other one looks like this and is just slightly more terrifying.


That is officially not scary. The scariest thing about that picture is that a crocodile has been dressed up as Tim Nice-But-Dim. But what my son does like is the fact that the book is so old now that when you close it the pop-up crocodile/Enfield thing doesn't fold down properly and looks like you've crushed a the bastard inside before he had the chance to rip your hand off.


I need to point out that after he shuts that book squashing the bugger inside he genuinely gets all pigeon-chested and a bit arsey about it. He starts behaving like he's actually brave. Consider that my son is two. This is a boy who - at least once a day - comes clattering towards me like a drunken pony scared because he can see something shiny/a bug in the window screens/there's dirt on his finger/he's seen a picture of Ann Curry. The only other time that he behaves like he's just duffed-up the biggest bully in school is when he is attacked by this beast and somehow manages to defeat it.


Luckily he has some strong male characters around him to set a fine example. Obviously there's the dog. Pure animal, primal instinct will surely guide my son to behavior that will set him up for life. All he has to do is watch my dog slyly hunting small-prey in the back yard and he'll soon learn what true bravery is. My dog may be small, but he definitely punches above his weight. Everything about him just oozes bravery. Hang on I hear him eating - I'll take a photo of him to capture the true essence of his brutal-but-restrained maleness.


Okay so that's not going to work. Luckily he has me around. I should squeeze some of my manliness in his direction (Note: make sure you go back and change the wording here before problems arise) and hope that he picks up some tips. My no-nonsense High Plains Drifter behavior will really set an example (except without the rapey bit with the hotel owner's wife obviously). I'm like Clint Eastwood for the new millennium. Don't worry son - you'll soon know what true bravery is.


Actualyl I'll just wait till his mother get's home and she can show him.

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