Friday, May 4, 2012

Orbit And The Farmer Porn

Tomorrow I take my kids to see farmer porn.

Obviously I mean a tractor fair. I have some idea of the vile, depraved filth you people are thinking of right now (probably Googling it) and I don't mean that. I mean the local high school appears to have a Future Farmers of America weekend combined with an antique tractor fair. Yeah - I live in that kind of place. My daughter nearly exploded in the car when we drove past today, but my son was asleep. So we'll just go tomorrow. I imagine by the time we leave my wife will be seriously trying to persuade me to buy a chickens, a goat and meat rabbits (she drew a map of our yard once after researching rabbit breeds). Also I will likely have been seriously considering buying a riding lawnmower (all my nipple problems solved with a $1000 check - which is an awful lot of money). My daughter will likely be pleading for us to buy some bees and my son will be content stuffing his face with bacon. Sounds like a pretty decent Saturday morning to me. 

In other news though - there will have been developmental milestones my kids have achieved that I am supposed to have been gushing with pride about. But this one - this is one of my absolute favorites. Because guess what I took off the kitchen cabinet doors yesterday?


I don't even know how to open a cabinet normally now. Actually prompted such a simple thing as this was watching a talk Neil deGrasse Tyson gives about stifling childhood curiosity. He talked about kids banging pans together or stacking Tupperware all over the kitchen and parents going nuts - instead of (within reason obviously) letting them conduct their little experiments. So my kids are old enough to listen and behave - and I won't actually tell them to go in the cupboards. But my son helps me put the plastic stuff away when we've done dishes so he should figure that out soon enough.

I am also in the process of recording the music my daughter makes on my computer. Most days she records herself making some sort of free-form jazz-breakbeat thing and sings nursery rhymes over the top. Then she puts on dance performances for me (and then very energetically for her mother when she gets home) that match specifically to the song she made. Her brother often joins in. But weirder is that he's taken to just running demented laps orbiting her whenever she dances. Like this -:



Being slightly bored (two more random days off school due to Administration Days) my daughter has been, "silent screaming" all morning. Which is pretending to yell without making a noise. Then she decided it would be much more fun to "kitten scream." It's quite similar to the noise in Dumb and Dumber that is allegedly teh most annoying sound in the world except more annoying. When I joyfully pointed this out she reverted to, "banana screaming." Which is regular screaming but while bopping me with a balloon that she says is a banana. Pretty irritating. Which reminded me of an old question - that clicky sounding language that the natives of Swaziland speak - what do they sound like when they scream? Because the words themselves would just be clicks and ticks right? I've looked all over for some kind of answer (including sending a message online to Richard E. Grant to no avail) but I've got nothing.

Earlier today though whilst playing with my daughter's map game I mentioned to her that her mother spent some time in Japan when she was younger. So my daughter said she wanted to as well. Obviously being a worldly and liberal person I talked about Iron Chef, the fact they have very weird fish there and wondering how many people live there (probably for in agonizing fear) with a shellfish allergy, she asked if she could see some videos on Youtube of Japan. We went through a handful of random news ones before my daughter insisted on me clicking on a Manga cartoon that appeared on the side. That seemed somewhat inappropriate (it looked like one of the grotesque-death and busty-Asian-schoolgirls-that-must-procreate ones) so instead I showed her this one that I remembered of some people in Japan finding a sea creature, pouring Coke on it (obviously) and then it doing something quite extraordinary. .


I swear that's an animal and not a link to dodgy porn. Although I wouldn't advise watching the ending of that if you haven't eaten yet. I'm kind of interested in pouring Coke on other animals now. Like a koala and an armadillo. It won't be the same without a horde of frightened Japanese men stood around panicking though.

Lastly though - a question. Why do some people eat snot? I understand completely why people remove it. Good lord I'll spend hours doing that. Right now my son has the tail-end of a sticky cold - so his snot is coming out of his nose but is apparently being held tightly at the other end by some unseen creature. He tries to wipe his own nose but it's a disaster as a thick elastic spiderman-like rope of snot will attach itself to whatever he's wiping it on and stretch a good ten or so inches out of his nose with no end in sight. He'll then realize this and will panic when he knows that it has moored across his face. He might try a second attempt to drag it out but only succeeds in lengthening the rope. Even when I try and sort it out there's a real resistance behind it of such force that it makes his eyes seemingly pull back into his eye socket. I'm somewhat aware that if I pull to quickly it may pull something scary out with it.

I've seen people (as Rik Mayall can attest to) eat their ear wax. Not me obviously. I remember a kid at school who would take the pen top (the ones  with that are basically a tube) and press it into his ear - remove a wedge of wax and store it in ap ile on his desk. I know of people who chew on their own nails after they've bitten them off - like chicharones. For reasons that I cannot understand it was really popular for a brief period when I as in my final year of comprehensive school for the boys to hack up those massive treacle-thick frighteningly green (and I mean Jorge-Campos-goalkeeper-shirt-green) lung-snot things and spit them violently at things. And the really weird people would spit it into their own hands and then wipe/throw it at unsuspecting school kids.

Oh it gets worse - some people eat scabs. It's related in some way to those people that like smelling their own farts. Or scratch their bottoms/armpits and then surreptitiously sniff their fingers as they pretend to scratch their nose. Please don't puke though (and certainly don't eat it afterwards...). And I'm not going anywhere near other oddities that come out of people with a ten foot pole.

Anyway - that snot question comes from my daughter. I told her how gross it was that there was a woman at the gas station (I left out her feeder) who I'd seen eat it and she's completely puzzled by the notion. Which is a relief. I'm particularly pleased that she casually responded with, ".....why don't they just eat salami instead?"

Yeah weirdos. Why don't you just eat salami instead?

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