Tuesday, May 22, 2012

The Amorous Kangaroo

"She went to The Moon, Owen!!!"

My daughter understands maps. She plays with them all the time. And at school yesterday they played with a globe. She has a basic understanding of distance and travel and things like that. She's been as far as Maine, Maryland, and Michigan (The Three M's) and a whole host of places in between by car - and wondered why anybody would whilst doing it. She knows that she has flown across the Atlantic and used to live in another country - indeed was born there. She certainly understands what an airplane is and the concept of that.

Which is why I'm certain that she is completely taking the piss by repeatedly telling her brother that, "Mommy went to the Moon!" Actually that's not quite accurate. Firstly she says, "Mommy went on a trip!!" and then they both run around dementedly as if they've just learned that a live kangaroo has just been released into our house somewhere. Then she makes some general comment about her going far away before saying that she went to the Moon. This is partly my fault. She had asked me where her mother had gone so she could explain to her brother on a map where it was, and so that she could tell her school teacher. So I got out her play map (it's this one) and showed them. Bizarrely my daughter then began pronouncing New Orleans in that not-at-all accurate way that British news reporters do, instead of the way most Americans I know do. So with the Orleans part sounding like, "beans" rather than like, "buns."

Then I went into how their mother went on an airplane and all that stuff. I even grabbed my son's toy airplane from her last trip to Vegas - at which point he seemed to peer through the windows of it to see if she was still in there. They've seen footage on television lots of times of airplanes. But I figured I'd just get one up on Youtube and sit them down and show them an airport, the flying in the plane part and some thing about New Orleans so they can feel some sort of fellowship with their mother about it. After making some wildly silly comment about how there's probably some bloke in the CIA who's little red alert light has just gone off that a foreigner is watching airport videos, we got on with it. We looked for the vague "explaining airports to kids" and the first video offered was this one titled, "TSA Fondles Women and Children Refusing Airport Naked Body Scanners" from some pillock warning that the US government (now that it's run by evil Democrats) is planning to abuse the fear of terrorism to fondle little girls at baseball games. After a few more searches we mostly turned up iPhone recordings of either fights, near-nakedness, snakes on a plane or how the Denver airport is a secret underground military base (DUMB - I'm not kidding). then we ended up watching some bland stuff about people going to Syracuse airport and some related footage about being on a plane. Somehow we watched ended up watching a short clip of that overly camp Scottish airport sitcom The High Life with Alan Cummings in it which gave me the chance to explain that Mommy and Daddy know a Scottish professor back in Bath with the same last name, and who looks eerily similar to Alan Cummings - and if we try very hard maybe we can get him to do the dance at the beginning of the show.

Then I could see they really were getting bored so somehow we rolled through a quick clip from The Wombles before ending up on this -:


Yes, that is Button Moon. My daughter could not identify that the button was supposed to be a planet, so I had to tell her. Then that laughably shit spaceship wobbles into shot and I had to explain that it was a rocket ship. Even more unimpressed I used my skills as a Dad to ask (in that gasping it-can't-be-true! voice) if maybe their mother had accidentally got on a rocket ship instead of an airplane and was on her way to the Moon right now! Cue my kids running around screaming as if the kangaroo was definitely in the house, and was rumored to now be quite sexually aggressive as well. My daughter then pretty much repeated that her mother had accidentally gone to the Moon from that point on.

Anyhoo - they pretty much just repeated that until after lunch. And to show you the general theme of that here is my kid's interpretation at lunch of how launch went.



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