Friday, June 22, 2012

I Am Impressing You Right Now

Yesterday I was unfairly tainted.

Some friends (if they can hold their shameful heads up and still call themselves that) derided my obvious enormous ability at football. I had posted another video of me and the kids on Facebook goofing around in the backyard - and it happened to involve me kicking a ball about. It's this particular one. I put it up because I thought my daughter was funny it. Little did I know the derision it would bring.

Within moments "friends" showed their clear jealousy by not only suggesting my brain and my feet are not related in any way, but also that I could still get a game for Liverpool. I normally wouldn't lower myself to this level - especially as the locals in central NY have often been heard to call me The English Zidane - but some things need to be considered.

1 - I'm wearing sandles. Any time the ball hitst he top strap it shanks off like a stone skimming on water. If Barcelona's talent scouts had gone to see Lionel Messi dinking a ball about and he was wearing my sandles they would have told him to consider getting his feet amputated in some sort of apology to football. Considering that fact my ball control should be considered heroic.

2 - That's a cheap, nasty plastic ball. As in a $2 ball. Not only that it has a picture of horses on it. Clearly it's not designed to be caressed and made football-love to by my amazing feet. In fact if you gently tap it forward it will wobble off in random directions. It requires 100% concentration to keep track of it's insane drunken orbit. And as you can see I am watching my daughter's water-ballet (snort) performance. In other words I have committed my higher senses to protecting her from drowning. Add you can see me jog off to rescue my son from the slide (a bird had crapped on it, much to his dismay).

3 - My children are butchers. Normally you'd watch me "foreplaying a football" (that's the technical term...) and gasp audibly, "Look at the graceful dancing. Oh how I admire the Nureyev-like body control!! Is there any way that man's hovering grace can be anything other than a gift from God?" Obviously not in the video above. That's because my children stamp angrily at my legs like Ed Norton in American History X. For example here's my son displaying unbridled aggression. I have an uncannily similar video (or "evidence" if you like) of my daughter doing the same sort of thing.

Don't worry though. At the end of each footballing masterclass I make them pay for every foul.


  1. OMG....brilliant laugh for the morning!! "The important thing to remember is they deserve it!"