Sunday, June 3, 2012


Let's do a very quick rundown of today's high points.

- Today my daughter told me, "Daddy - I think your face would scare the crows away." Not part of a  larger context at all. Before it she was describing what color a monarch caterpillar is (which she got entirely correct). And right after it she whispered in my ear that her brother is The Bumcheek Bandit. It's that kind of random bollocks all day long. Granted it's from the three of us - my wife is a static anchor when she's around and we three orbit around her like drunken moons.

- I had to discipline my son because he kept spanking his toy wolf. And not playfully either-  with vitriol. Whatever he thought that wolf had done he bloody well was going to pay for it.

- I also had to literally plead and beg with my daughter not to jump into the refrigerator door. She kept insisting, "I'm jumping into a picture..." that was hung on the door - as if she jumping through a portal into a magical world. I kept reminding her that no - what she's doing is having everyone we meet for a week wonder if I was the one who gave her the bruises on her face.

- My kids invented something called Ninja Skating. And yes - you can only play it once because ultimately you end up losing a limb. Apparently the word STOP was a codeword for, "try and crush everything."

-  My wife realized that we were wrong about that purple caterpillar- his name is Edison - not Oedipus. It was just me and the wife who clearly heard Oedipus. I'm sure that means something psychologically. "What would Sigmund Freud say?" I hear you all ask. He'd probably say he wants to  knob his mum. He was that kind of mental.

- I walked in on my wife in the kitchen stood next to a plate of this.

"Oh it's pineapple.." I idiotically thought. No it isn't. It's butter. She's building a pyramid out of butter. Some sort of shrine to diabetes. She claims to be making a cake. Four hours later she still is. Sheer madness.

- My kids built their own shrine. Judging by the look of it it's a shrine to some sort of serial killer inspired by Hunter S. Thompson.

- My son has grown more unstable throughout the day. Because his mother has been home from work since lunch he has rejected me completely. Earlier in the afternoon he was polite about it. Now not so much.

And lastly - my daughter showed me her ringworm.

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