Friday, June 1, 2012


Fact: So far three different people have contacted me about the disturbing iron lung/one-armed porno nightmare I mentioned yesterday to tell me that they've seen it as well. Which either means it was more popular than it should have been, or that I am very much amongst my people.

My son got a purple centipede (no Google, NOOO!) from the thrift store a few weeks ago (I think for 10 cents). It's this one -:

 Look at that suspicious grin. It's made by Leap Frog. It sings songs, teaches the alphabet and other cloyingly cute stuff. For reasons that aren't entirely clear the people who made it called it Oedipus. It speaks and introduces itself like that too. Oedipus, may I remind you, fulfilled a prophecy that said he would kill his father and marry his mother - all because his father (who knew about the prophecy) had his ankles pinned together so that he couldn't crawl and then abandoned him as a baby up a mountain to die. That's not even the end of that particular Greek tragedy - which just gets more brutal and creepy. And I haven't even mentioned the famous Oedipal complex where male kids want to have sexual intercourse with their mother. Or the fact that oedipism is a condition where you cut out your own eye. Which one of those three horrific things do you think they named that purple freak after then?.

My daughter is currently obsessed with Bobby The Banana. Not this one (that this particualr massive banana company have ridiculously renamed as Bam-Nana to make him awesome) - but rather our Bobby The Banana. If I put her to bed she'll still ask me to tell a story about any random thing she is thinking of. So, "tell me a story about when you were a little ant Daddy." But when she's asking who Daddy the ant's friends are I have to bring up that Bobby the Banana lives there as well. She will then automatically say, "...Bobby! What are you doing there!?" I then have to say that, "he's on vacation." She thinks it's hilarious. Except now when I drive anywhere with her she takes him with her on her hand - and has long convoluted conversations with The Potato Monster. Never with Sophie The Onion Sniffer though - for some undisclosed reason they've never been introduced. I like to imagine that The Potato Monster tells Sophie about Bobby - but that she doesn't believe a word of it, and actually starts to question his sanity because a talking banana is completely mental. Anyway - the point is that my daughter and I usually don't whip any of these hand-characters out in public. Then today at the thrift store Bobby very publicly tried to introduce his sister Bobberina (she came up with that on her own) to the Potato Monster and announce that it was Super Kitten's birthday. I obviously played along. Now they all think I'm on LSD. How do I know? Because despite what ended up being a four minute-long conversation between my right hand and both of my daughter's hands - the old ladies at the store didn't say a word about it. Not a peep.

Also at the thrift store my kids got these two things -:

I have no idea what that big hairy thing is. My daughter picked it out. If I had to draw Alan Carr's testicles I would draw something like that. When you shake it it squeaks (again - just like Alan Carr). I only let her bring it home because it appears to not have been sullied by anyone (yes - I sniffed it) and because after the summer she'll never go to that thrift store again what with going to school full time. Actually I told her it didn't matter if she brought it home because I'll be giving away half her stuff soon anyway because she won't be home to play with them anymore.

The digger - or "MACHINE!!!!" as he aggressively yelled at it - is my son's. It appears to be brand new. My son is currently exceptionally obsessed with a Canadian television show called Mighty Machines - which is pretty much a show where they anthropomorphize tractors, diggers, garbage trucks and whatnot to teach kids what some people do for a living. So anything that looks like construction equipment is like crack to my son. Which might explain why as soon as we got home he bolted out of the car and ran into the woods with it frantically repeating, "Machine! MACHINE!!!!!!" I honestly think if I hadn't caught him they would have eloped.

For the sake of history I guess I should point out that last decent thing he snagged at a thrift store. It was this train -:

He was very enamored with that for a few weeks. He still shoves it about but not with the look of pure Oedipal joy that he has right now for that digger. I already know he's gone off it because he launched it at me in a stereotypical Terrible Two's rage (I mocked him for being unoriginal when he did that too) - and he wouldn't do that with his much treasured possessions. That was last week. The complete lack of damage on that train when it was hurled across the room was impressive too. Most stuff my kids get ahold of seems almost cynically designed to break if used - thereby requiring parents to go buy more stuff for kids to break. It reminded me instantly of how indestructible those old Kempton Competition Pro joysticks were - and I'm guessing it's made of the same stuff. More importantly though it may actually be a significant developmental step as my son may be exiting what a lot of other parents knowingly have called, "the train phase." This is underlined by his recent lack of interest in Thomas the Tank Engine. Which might mean that the four-year long prison of watching the world's most appallingly run train line may be coming to an end. Praise be!

Wanna see my daughter being eaten by an alligator? Me too!!

And lastly - here's my daughter's quite-impressive driveway artwork. And no - we don't make her wear a bike-helmet when she's using chalk. We're not mental. But I have given her the rubbish fake-German name of Helmut Chork to give to any interested art galleries that wish to place these in exhibitions. In the top photo the person the right way up is her. I think this artwork suffers from the well-known problem known as, "can't draw hands." The second photo is her drawing her current obsession - octopuses - whilst wearing a helmet. And at the bottom is a drawing of my wife and I (I'm on the right wearing garish green trousers) along with our son.  

Feel free to bid for this artwork in the comments section.

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