Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Professional Chutney Chaser

I don't brag about this but I am a bona fide detective.

Think Columbo without the wank-mac, without the wonky eye and without the imaginary wife that he clearly murdered years ago. No - I can take the most rudimentary clues and assemble them together like a jigsaw to see the whole picture. Take this early afternoon. My daughter asked if she could use my camera to film her brother. I said yes. So they frolicked about before her school bus showed up and I wandered the front lawn picking up rocks and cursing at walnuts. When the bus showed up I called them back. While my daughter rode off my son sheepishly asked ot be picked up and then did that thing that my daughter never EVER did. He fell asleep about fifteen seconds later. So I took him inside, lay him down and then made a nice big bowl of Herpes Nuts to nosh on before Getting Stuff Done was tackled.

Whilst munching I watched the series of surveillance footage my daughter took of cars driving b. That's her latest thing - staying on the front lawn and brazenly taking handheld footage of everyone driving past like the most unashamed paparazzi ever. After watching one of me getting the mail and checking the birdbath I encountered the below footage. Pay attention to the last thing my son says.

Needless to say I put two and two together and came up with a Number Two. My son was immediately woken up, defouled and amazingly placed back on the couch where he fell asleep again - dirty little monkey that he is.

And you all were made to watch - without any prior warning - a child running about and then shitting itself online a mere fifteen minutes after it happened live.

You're all very welcome.

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