Thursday, June 28, 2012

The Muncher

"Daddy likes to munch on ladies."

My kids have gone up to the in-laws for the night. It's my son's first night without one of his parents around. He should do fine - what with his sister with him - but you never know. So before they left we sat outside and munched on popsicles. My son had a purple one, my daughter a red one and I had a blue one. My daughter asked me what flavor it was so I told her, "babies." Then I chased them around the yard pretending I wanted to eat them. They laughed and giggled in that way that - even if it wasn't as hot as it was - they needed to have a rest every few minutes to recover.

After that we picked some blackberries, then got the butterfly nets and and goofed around for awhile.

My son got so much juiced smeared on his face he looked like he'd been eating dead animals. His sister was so impressed that she deliberately mashed a berry into her face before I told her to not get herself really dirty before she as about to leave. Annoyingly I got blackberry juice all over a white shirt I'd put on (again - how is it that so many people I see on construction crews/landscapers are wearing white t-shirts?) so had taken it off - sprayed it clean with a hose - and went off to hang it on the line. On the way back I'd picked up the weed whacker ready to get to work immediately after the kids left. I heard a car pull up into the driveway and wandered slowly back to my blackberry stained offspring. For a joke I put the butterfly net over my head to make my daughter laugh again before she left.

As I got closer I could see it was a black Audi. I know someone with one of those - must be them. Nope - instead it was a very attractive young woman - probably late twenties - who was smiling in that way that it was so nice that it just has to be sinister. My kids - not normally so conducive to strangers - seemed completely taken in by her smile (among other things...) and were saying hello. The woman was a touch surprised by the blackberry stains and the half-naked man with a gardening implement stood like a twat with a butterfly net completely covering his head. She then cheerily (in court her attorney would probably describe her tone as "nervous") asked how we were. My daughter then broke the ice by saying, "Daddy likes to munch on ladies." I quickly said, "Thank you dear, let's not be silly shall we." Which normally would be a slightly childish example of a kid mentioning private parts - but suddenly my English accent took an an air of nefariousness. I had thought I looked comfortable in my own back yard - maybe even halfway decent and convincing as an attractive man (please -don't offer opinions on that one). But she was so over-dressed for the weather (and the town she was in) that amusingly I actually thought that I should tell my wife that I had finally seen another woman wearing actually suitable office-professional clothes - although still with the definitely-on-purpose revealing neckline. The woman then with a big smile and slightly bigger cleavage breezily handed me a small piece of paper and said we were all invited to a nice event in a few weeks and all the details were enclosed. Then she got in her car and drove away.

Ah. A Jehovah's Witness. I see they've dropped the whole men-in-suits on bicycles and gone for the Bibles-with-Boobs angle. Only then did it dawn on me that instead of the woman thinking that my daughter was publicly exposing me as a man so comfortable with pleasuring lots of women with my mouth, that she must have at least considered (what with the prevalence of what might be blood on everyone's faces) that we'd just eaten their mother. And yet she still gave me the promotional leaflet.

That's bloody class, that.

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