Wednesday, June 27, 2012

The Pig Storm

"Daddy!! It's raining bacon!!!"

My son is at the developmental stage where using slightly the wrong words is absolutely hilarious to him. So for example yesterday he was laughing uncontrollably at the idea that a "pig storm" (that's "big storm" for those of you unable to decode that masterful riddle) was on it's way to our house. Which is good because it makes playing more fun - as his sister is all too happy to run with that sort of silliness. Within minutes of declaring that it was storming pigs she had concocted an entire scenario where it was raining bacon and the lightning was made of cake. And don't worry - she even used culinary smarts by declaring the cake is a big corn muffin, so it would be good with the bacon. Then, brilliantly tying the whole thing together, I grabbed a book about a lazy farmer to show my son - claiming it had a picture in it of the last pig storm we had.

He was quite impressed with that. But not as impressed (and by impressed I obviously mean horrified) as I was when I said I'd found the kids a photograph of Bacon Man. There has to be one - Americans are bizarrely obsessed with their bacon - even if it does taste like garbage. So I confidently Googled away. Granted there was the odd succesful return like this -:

But quite a lot of the images were of bizarre sculptures of bi=peds made out of bacon. Which frankly looked like an after-photo of a dessicated body after a serial killer had dicked around a little bit.

But - what with this being the Internets - most of the images came leading to questions from my daughter that I didn't want to answer. Questions like, "why is that man naked on his bed with all that bacon?"

This is probably one of the reasons people become vegetarians. Although I should point out this horrifying image about Tofu Man is far more sordid.

At the playground this morning my daughter attempted to destroy my self esteem by asking my to go down the biggest slide. Which doesn't bother me. I already know that the other mother's there frown upon my participation in playing - all five of them - as some sort of parenting failure. They repeatedly told their kids they weren't interested in whatever shit they were doing (which was literally true with Monday's defecating child). But when my daughter zoomed down and then challenged me to do it they all turned around to see if I would drop another level and do that as well. At which point my daughter yelled, "Come on Daddy!! You're the World's Widest Champion!!!" Which isn't true in any way you judge it (don't even think about sending me inquiring emails...). But it did mean I had to rocket down that slide like a wet-fish fired down a toboggan ramp. But then I did get stuck (very briefly) in the toy ladybug.

Clearly though there was no question of my slenderness. I haven't been this light and skinny since before I met my wife. This morning I weighed a shocking 138 pounds. That's a staggering 9 stone 8. I don't look like a weak, twig of a man thankfully. And I do run a lot now - so I think I have more of a middle-distance runner's physique. Hopefully anyway. I might look like Dale Gribble without the gut for all I know (that first one is work-safe - the second one is him in his underpants). Annoyingly all my clothes are too big. I even bought two new pairs of jeans about a month ago and dropped 5 pounds since then and they are a bit saggy now. But I'm not starving myself or doing anything odd - I'm just not absolutely stuffing my gob with a bag of potato chips/chocolate like I used to enjoy. I'm just not that hungry. Which is a luxury I can afford I suppose. It does somewhat bother me in that white-western-male guilt sort of way that I pretty much decided not to eat much and it took - yet there are whole nations of people starving to death. Mind you the world is weird when you look at it from that perspective. I still have mental problems when I consider that there are entire countries that don't have clean water - and yet we in the First World have so much of the stuff that we've devised a system where we shit into it.

Anyhoo - I'll leave you with the original Bowling Bodies video that I didn't put up yesterday.

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