Wednesday, June 13, 2012

The Successful Goose Attack

"Oh no! You laid a leg!"

This morning in bed (after calling me up stairs after everyone woke up) my daughter came up with a new game. She called it the Guess What The Chicken Laid? game. The premise being that chicken biology works in the same way as the television show World World - where things are made by spelling them out. But that she is a chicken that can't spell - so therefore can't lay an egg because she keeps spelling things incorrectly. At firrst it was somewhat related to the word egg. Hence the leg-laying incident. My daughter also conjured up a peg and a "bleg" - which she said is like a muffin. I managed to suggest - hopefully I'll admit - Meghan Mullaly. Then my daughter took this as a signal to just start brainstorming unrelated madness and offered up a couch, an octopus, Grandpa's new kayak and - my personal favorite - a fox. That would be like the perfect trojan horse equivalent to mount a murderous campaign against the chickens by Mr. Fox. Anyway - I ended up needing to get up and come downstairs after she started birthing pennies she was cocooning in her buttocks onto her brother.

I was up a little earlier than that though. And I don't know about you, but I consider my day off to somewhat of a sour start when it involves only getting fifteen feet from your house on your morning run before getting shit on by a flock of Canada geese. And for you avian nomenclature purists,  yes I am aware that the plural of Canada Goose is up for debate here. But I'll be damned if I'll commit the common crime of people I've heard in central NY referring to them as "Canadian geese" - as if they were on a stunningly shit vacation in Utica, NY.

Goose One: Where should we go on vacation this year? I was thinking we'd spend some of the year in Quebec, and then some in the Okefenokee swamps in Georgia!
Goose Two: I have a much better idea. What about Utica, NY!
Goose One: You mean that grey, drab place we avoid on the way past twice a year? The one that smells of milk and armpits? The one where you actually sincerely saw a raw potato and a vibrator in the same parking lot stairwell? That place? Are you mental? Why would any goose want to vacation in Utica?
Goose Two: Two words. Tomato Pie. It's like pizza - except it's cold! And without the cheese!
Goose One: Good Lord that sounds horrible.
Goose Two: It is!!

Anyhoo - today is my daughter's fake birthday at school. Her mother made her alphabet cookies. So big , tasty sugar-cookies in various letters (seemingly randomly chosen, from what I overheard) frosted in a few colors that my daughter picked out. We figured cookies were easier for everyone. Add it's not her real birthday so who cares right? Amusingly when telling my in-laws what birthday snack she was taking to school she said, "I'm not taking cupcakes because Mommy doesn't know how to make them." A stinging indictment I feel on her mother's last batch. In honor of my daughter's questionable school snacks over the academic year I actually considered bringing in some of these appalling things -:

What in the name of Keith Chegwin is that monstrosity? If you are - for some reason - reading a blog but are also blind the above picture is of an ice cream covered in bacon sprinkles with an entire rasher stabbed into to it for good measure. That's an abomination. But look at that price! Seriously though - in a country that does bacon all wrong I really thought they couldn't do it any wronger (wow - spell check didn't pull me up for that...). And considering that at school this year my daughter has been given those naff pink wafer cookies with a can of icing spooned on them this would be perfectly acceptable.

I asked my wife a few days ago what she would by if she was absolutely loaded. Anything at all. I asked because she makes pretty decent money but we are both relatively reserved when it comes to spending. So to try and stretch out of that fiscal-hold (in other words to try and stop being so cheap) I tried to dream big. So I said I'd build a deck out back. Or maybe I'd have the chimney restored in the house and have it open in the kitchen and dining room - that would be pretty nice. Perhaps an entire living room set. The practical one being I'd pay someone much handier and more motivated than me to finish off the carpentry and odd jobs needed to fix the house up. As far as random stuff goes I really don't buy or crave anything. Maybe an Mp3 player with bigger memory. I don't really care about flashy televisions, video games or ridiculous phones. But I could buy that today if I wanted to. 

So I asked my family what they would like if they could have anything. My daughter went with a banana. I presume she means a really great one. Either a massive one or maybe a civet banana - digested and shat out the end of a fancy cat in the Third World somewhere. I ended up trying to get her to think about with more seriousness and she only managed to say that she really wanted to go get coconut ice cream today at the local stand. Granted it is bloody good. But I did try to clarify that she could have picked any of the stereotypical guff like castles, ponies and the power to crush her enemies. Which sparked her to say she'd also get a milkshake. My son didn't really understand the concept of the question. Instead he dragged me into the kitchen - asked me to pick him up - and then pointed at the kitchen cabinet that he knows we hide my wife's/daughter's sour candy in. I tried the serious talk with him too. Which he apparently took to mean that he should go get the small plastic reflex-hammer from his play-doctor kit, and then mercilessly attack me with it. Which - if I'm not reading too much into this - means he'd like to see me bumped off. I'll have to keep my eye on him.

So instead I asked my wife. To which she said, "I'd get some new curtain rods..." That's my wife daring to dream big there. And I know too that she'd buy the cheaper end ones as well. She did go on to name a few other things that were modestly big. Like a couch. But she did also chose to mention a hose attachment. She has just bought one so I can only imagine she saw another one for $1.50 more than this one. I'm actually surprised she didn't mention something she wanted to eat. That's pretty much the only thing we have in common as far as wants go. So knowing that she reads this well after getting home - if at all these days - I may take her and the kids out in the guise of visiting the library - but really to go get an appalling bacon sundae. Which I'm not eating. No way.

Those geese wouldn't even eat that.

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