Wednesday, July 18, 2012

The Acorn Apocalypse

It's here.

You probably didn't expect to learn about that here. Probably on the news. Or - at a push - from your pastor. But honestly - it's all gone mental. I suggest grabbing a Bible from somewhere and having a quick peruse through Revelations and then playing Spot The Difference with what transpires.

Actually none of that is really true. But I figured I'd go off on a Glenn Beck-style mad-as-a-bag-of-shit conspiratorial bent. Mostly because it's so bloody hot and humid that we've all pretty much been awake since 2am whining about not being able to sleep due to the rancid humidity. I'd given up and come downstairs. Thirty minutes later my daughter was running around on the landing angrily telling her brother to leave her alone. He - as a two and a half year old - was so fixated on the Rules Of Nighttime (those being everyone should be asleep in bed, and as they aren't something terrible is going to happen) was chasing his sister around to try and coerce to get back into bed and go to sleep. Their mother then (somewhat justifiably I have to admit) then wanted to know why I was up at 2am for the third night straight. I tried to tell her that she'd been awake - but still rolling about irritated in bed - for the past two nights as well - but I was on to a loser there.

Frankly the repetitive lack of sleep married to the soul-sapping humidity has coupled together with a slowly creeping recidivism to leave my mental state frail and impressionable. I've been making poorly thought-out decisions. Like taking the kids through the back yard brush in bathing suits (and myself shirtless) with a metal pipe and a bucket to uncover blackberries and possibly confront a skunk. Which is okay (in some ways) except raspberry bushes are like a hybrid of tiny nettles and brambles. And it was so stinking hot and humid  - and the bugs so thick and irritated that it didn't matter how much bug spray we had on. More dense than that was an attempt to go for a long distance run yesterday at 6pm in 95 degree heat literally four hours after vomiting beef-water for the last time. That's never going to go well. The day prior I'd run like a demented, aggressive moose at 8pm in 80 degree heat and enjoyed it immensely. It greatly helps me level out and relax after a long day. But last night I only managed 4 miles at a rather labored pace because it was just so frikking soupy out.

But what better way to abuse any mental frailty than to piece together the odd events of the past few days and to weave some sort of conspiratorial End Of Days scenario? A solid start was that yesterday - after recovering from an aggressive beef-jerky pukeathon - I decided to head out with the kids in the car. At which point we were set upon by squirrels. Two of them pounced from a tree and landed on the hood of the car like the walnut-felching demons they clearly are. The one spied us and jumped down. The other ran on the roof before- and I'm not kidding here - sliding down the window on it's arse to taunt us with how completely non-frightened it was. Weirder was that it seemed to propel itself off the window just over halfway down with using it's feet - almost as if it had such exquisite (yes that's right - exquisite...) control of it's rectum that it uses it's anal sphincter as some sort of elastic jumping aid. Which all sounds far-fetched were it not for the fact that I did get a quick photo of the skid marks.

Clearly evidence of evil afoot. Glenn Beck would easily lay that at the feet of the Illuminati-controlled Muslim communists at ACORN - mostly through the blatant link of squirrels to an organization named after a tree nut. But not me. Because how would you also explain this sighting my wife and I had on Monday of a green bee. Although it might be a green wasp. There are already enough of these buggers about. I don't need more of them - secretly communicating some unknown plan to grow like the Borg and destroy all around them.

Don't try and tell me that is actually a different bug (edit: unless you know what it is obviously - I need the comfort of knowing there aren't green wasps banging about the place). Shortly after viewing this monstrosity my daughter started acting bizarrely. That has NEVER happened before. I didn't get much more than the evidence recorded here below. I didn't want to notify the squirrel overlords of the One World Government that I was on to them. But I did manage to hide behind a bush and take this photo of my daughter with her Thetan Bucket Thought Collector on her head.

Lastly and most telling was something we found at the Salvation Army. Right in between a chldren's Bible story about Daniel and a book about alligator eggs (a real niche children's author there...) was the below book. I know you could blame a careless store clerk or a customer for placing the book back in the wrong place. But Beck wouldn't allow you to believe that. No - he'd prove to you that the books content and placement was perfectly intended by militant enviro-jihadists and their gay agenda.

There you have it. A linear clear-as-day photographic trail of world revolution. So if I don't return later with an irreverent video of me and the kids sweating/dancing/blasting things with a hose then it's because They (you know - Them - the ones in charge of it all....) are on to us. Or because we're off out swimming, then to the dentist and the library.

Stay strong....

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