Monday, August 20, 2012

I Am The Queen Of Knowledge


You probably don't know this - but I am the Queen of Knowledge.

This morning before work my wife made piña coladas for her and the kids before work. Without the rum, obviously. Although to be honest I wasn't in the room when they were made so who knows. Add the kids were oddly pleasant all morning long so I'd hate to think that rum was the reason for that. I was present right before the piña coladas were made when my son was asked if he wanted a smoothie. He was quickly warned by his sister that his mother was not going to be making a movie. He then told me that his mother had left the room to make a, "poop movie."

Luckily for her I don't believe him. Although she does express unbelievable pride at some of the things she creates (calling through the house for people to come marvel at it) it should be noted that my son is in that developmental stage where he just says, "poop" all the bloody time. So much in fact that even his sister is telling him that it' inappropriate. Whatever he's eating he coyly suggests is poop. If he starts ranting about a story he wishes to convey to other people it inevitably meanders into a story about how there was poop somewhere. It's permeated every moment of his life. Every morning he goes through the same amusing ritual of watching his mother leave for work, then turning around and asking where she's gone. I say, "to work" and he says, "No!" as if that was such a ridiculous suggestion. Not now though - now after I say she's gone to work he says that isn't true and that she's actually gone for a poo. Hopefully not on a movie set.

I did have plans today. Mostly cleaning and Getting Things Done. I haven't done that. On the other hand today I did draw a picture of a school bus filled with bum cheeks. And then later I dressed up as a heavy metal wizard and pretended to go into anaphylaxis due to a lake spiked with Wiggle Powder. Which while completely silly does actually feel worthwhile. My wife always talked about being brain-dead-bored for the four years she stayed out of work to be a stay at home mother. I don't get the bored thing at all - I can pass the time without feeling that. Instead I get the creeping feeling that I might not be doing something worthwhile. So I'll see social media updates from friends who are always at the zoo, or Mom's clubs or some such amazing adventures. Then I'll think that because all I've done that day is play in the back yard for 40 minutes, not been allowed to get any housework done because my son just wants me to sit down near him while he shouts at his trains and just made up stories about how I'm a superhero with a suspicious penchant for cheesesticks that maybe this is all a waste. But that's just as worthwhile. I have been avoiding a lot of things like the zoo mostly because my son is in that difficult age=phase where he can be a massive arsehole for no good reason. But I have also noticed that if I cna get them very, VERY busy then they are both completely wonderful. But it requires a lot of attention. More than I'm giving them right this instance - but then I gave them loads all day long and they wanted me to go away while they built things with blocks upstairs. Add I'll hear from other friends who's entire relationship with their child is 20 minutes a day after day care. Which sounds awful. But the fact that I'm not getting adult stuff done - like sorting out the basement or hanging a door - still nags at me. But the girl goes to school in three weeks and then I'll have insane amounts of time because having one kid is such a huge difference to having two. 

My daughter did assert the other day though that her mother is the Queen of Knowledge. She denied that and said I was. My daughter quickly reminded everyone that I can't be and that I have to be the King of Knowledge. So just to be a twat whenever we are playing games now I'll bring it up. So the last two days she's put on a jester's hat, wears a plastic ring and waves a cheap, water-and-glitter filled wand and claimed to be able to do magic. She'll fire off a few spells - complete with the lines, "A la Ka Zee! A la Ka Zam! Daddy will turn into Mischief Man!" (that's a real one). Which I might play along with. But to be honest half the time I'll emerge and claim to be the Queen of Knowledge, much to her chagrin. She didn't like it when I yelled, "The Queen Of Knowledge declares that Only Fools and Horses was never, ever funny. Ever!" And then she'll get grumpy. Hopefully because she believes I'm really the King and not because she naively believes that Delboy falling through a bar is even remotely amusing.

In future news you'll all be glad to know that my children have decided what they want to be for Halloween. My daughter had initially wanted to be a naff ghost - as in a just a sheet. She genuinely thought that was a good costume. And although I'm happy to do whatever she feels like that did seem like we'd be judged as parents as clearly not have bothering to get her a costume come Trick or Treat time, and just chucking a sheet on her. But then a few days ago when I asked her I asked her what she wanted to be and she said, "a bumbrella." Which would be a phenomenal costume. But then a few days ago she realized that she wants to be Super Kitten. Which is basically her wearing her pajamas with a cat on them, but also having a cape on. She also wanted her brother to be her, "sidecake" Little Kitten. Then she decided I should be Captain Cheesestick. Which I hadn't thought about - but am now amazingly excited about. My wife is going to make me a massive Cheesestick jumpsuit quite a lot like Bananaman's outfit. Then I thought it would be cool if my son could be Dr. Bonk. But after suggesting that to him he said that he'd rather be something else that sounded an awful lot like, "I want to be a Bandaid." My wife is hilariously been asked to be Super Lady. Which is going to be the worst costume ever. It would basically just be any outfit a woman might wear, but with a cape and her underpants on the outside.

This morning at the Salvation Army we were flicking through the books and there was a Noddy book there. Which is very, very strange to see in the US. Nobody I know has ever heard of Noddy. I thought about offering it as a book my kids might be interested in but it was a coloring book that had been completely filled in (quite why it was there I don't know). But again it triggered a latent thing where - even though I find nationalism to be a strange thing to exhibit (especially as I live in a country obsessed with it) I felt like I needed to but it to represent something historic about my own countries culture. Instead I just Googled it at home and showed the kids. And perfectly someone had made these fake ones that are much ruder and inappropriate - which actually is even more suitable to show how in the UK there is nothing that you can't take the piss out of.



Marvelous stuff.

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