Friday, September 28, 2012

The Man With A Prick On His Face

Daughter: Daddy you should shave.
Me: Why honey?
Daughter: Because your face has a prick on it.

My son has evidently been observing his sister's discovery of manipulative spite. Because now when I give him something - like a drink of water - he looks at it like I've just shit in a cup and says, "this won't make me happy." And to ram his point home he'll then get specific and add, "Juice daddy. Juice will make me happy" before making that sulking face like he's trying to inhale his upper lip.
Hopefully he hasn't been observing her too closely though. Because apart from telling me there's a prick on my face (if that photo shows up I'll be deeply disappointed) she also boldly decided that she isn't going to do her chores any more. Basically in an effort to teach her about money she had a bank account opened on her birthday. Now when she does a few chores a week - which are putting her dirty dishes on the counter/in the dishwasher, and helping with the laundry - she gets some money. Most of which goes in the bank account. The rest of it she can spend on anything she feels like. But after initially being deeply enthused by the whole thing she's gone three weeks without being very helpful at all. In fact any reminder to do her chores is met with a ridiculously melodramatic response that is supposed to convey that what has been asked of her is extremely annoying, but only outweighed by how boring a point it is. So in an attempt to paint a bigger picture for her I reminded her that I don't want to do it either. Obviously I then mentioned that her mother doesn't want to go to work (although she does despite the stresses and commitment of it) and that her brother doesn't want to wear pants all the time (he doesn't believe he should conform to society here at all). To which my daughter - like Archimedes himself - offered the revelation, "well just don't do it then" - but without any negativity or wankery at all. She genuinely meant it as helpful advice that would make us all happy. Something must be done about the slovenly drive that she has.

The boy though has regressed in his own politeness. He used to be all smiles and appreciation all the time. Nary a quarter-hour went by when he didn't ask for something with a please, or thank you for getting it for him. And with no-one else home he's trying to fill his loneliness with food. So all day long he berates me to get him food. Except instead of the old, "please can I have something to eat?" question he just grumpily says, "I want." I've made the repeated point to him that I have no idea what that refers to, and that it's rude. But he doubled-down like a determined bastard and started only demanding apple sauce. Which would be fine but - as you'd expect - he pretty much only wants apple sauce one time out of the fifty requests a day that he makes. Which drove me nuts for the three days when he became more incensed that I demanded politeness and wouldn't go get him random stuff. Which it would be because after he would bluntly mumble, "I want apple sauce" I initially would go get him something to eat. Then like the worst kind of boss he'd angrily reprimand you by stating that he didn't want apple sauce and rant, "I want a drink."

The rudeness of which was so thick and abrupt that I stopped being cooperative and either got him nothing until he was polite, or constantly brought him the entire jar of apple sauce. And just to be a bastard I'd sit cheerily with a spoon and offer to go well above and beyond and feed it into his moaning little gob. After that I assumed he temper down a little. But instead he went for the more stubborn and irritating demand of, " sauce...." Again - he could be asking for anything. It could be a drink, to take his shoes off, to wipe something off his delicate little hands, or to build a train track - absolutely anything. And not getting it was distressing for him. But he was not going to be nice about it. So I went for the more cunning Arsehole Dad by using my please and thank-yous in completely the wrong manner. If he demanded something I'd tell him "thank you" and hand him something random and gush happily, " you're welcome!" That drove him absolutely mental for about an hour. Pretty soon after that he tried to sit me down to tell me the correct ways to use all those niceties. This morning he's been as good as gold about it as well. Even going so far as to over-smile when he says, "please!"

Right now though he wants to look through Halloween decorations online. We were at the store earlier and I naively told him that my daughter's school wants stay-at-home do-nothing layabouts like me to get deeply involved with things like the upcoming Halloween party. And being a cheap bastard I might seeing as they are asking parents to chip in $10 for it. Quite why the teachers need $360 for a school party during class is beyond me. And being the US anything planned for the kiddies has to be approved by the class committee (at least according to some of the other parents in the hallway, anyway). So I won't be showing up with this particular culinary delight.

 Right - time to go buy some pants that fit. I suppose I could shave first seeing as my kids and wife have been moaning about my prick-face. But my wife is essentially out of town for two weeks come Sunday so I don't think I have to until at least mid-October if I don't before then.


  1. omg...that doll and the dip!!!! GAHHHHH!!!!
    Yet again it's confirmed to me thatI was right not to have kids. You're a more patient person than I!!

  2. Patient or just a medicated patient?