Yesterday my home smelled.
There were a variety of reasons. First up was the fact that the dog got sprayed by a skunk right outside the basement door. As stupid as I was to somehow allow him to come back in the house (and get all the way upstairs too) we managed to get rid of that smell pretty quickly. Except when the skunk sprayed it guffed it all over covered door that sits over the basement steps. So in other words the reek of skunk-juice managed to get in the basement and lingered all day long.
Apparently the sour cream factory down the street saw this as some sort of challenge and cranked out it's own foul odor. It doesn't usually happen too often - but lately they've been doing something appalling over there. The problem for me is that I can smell two distinct things in the odor as a whole. One being some kind of burnt dairy product and the other being feces. So now when my nose meets the smell my brain pictures tens of people squatting diarrhea into large vats in an effort to turn the milk (thanks a lot brain). So in that sense the pervasive smell of skunk was quite welcome.
To add to this olfactoral misery I've just discovered that the contractor I've hired isn't a good shot AT ALL when urinating in my toilet. Having a tin child that can't control his light sabre on occasion has meant that regular cleaning of the bathroom is a must. But that is precisely one of those instances where you truly realize the power of love - as all parents tell would-be parents that the whole cleaning poo and urine off your own child isn't something that bothers you to the degree that you think it would. But when a 43 year old man urinates on my floor it's a whole other story. And it's obvious too. At least once a day there forms a very clear dried-puddle in front of the toilet and a distinct smell of Mountain Dew fueled racist-man piss. So now when I'm stood in there holding a now-yellowed Clorox disinfectant wipe in one hand and a damp cotton-diaper cloth in the other I don't feel love. Oh no.
Luckily for me though I added my own contribution. No - I didn't just gush my own lake of yellow shame all over the floor. Instead I started getting a an all-day curry ready only to find - once again - that the chicken was rotten. And I mean even though the Buy date was yesterday that the entire underside of the chicken was green. It's not the first time that's happened at that store. It's not even the second. Last time was buying a huge rack of ribs for a family event only to find them stinking rotten. Indignant and feeling twattish I drove straight down there with the nasty chicken and got my money back. It's funny that a silly incident like this compounds my strengthening feelings about not eating meat. But each time something happens I take a step closer to making the decision.
Truth be told those events aren't in order. The chicken thing happened and when I got back I found the dried urine puddle. That's how I knew for certain it was the contractor. The wife and I already suspected but that was conclusive. He's doing a decent (although slightly too slow) job. But I have to add him to a very very long list of people I've met in this area who hold a set of intolerant views on all kinds of people. Yes he's a Republican and yes he listens to AM talk radio all day long on headphones (whilst simultaneously listening to Classic Rock radio on a little stereo in the room he's working in too). Which is perfectly fine. But the commentary to no-one in particular is bizarre. Like randomly saying out loud, "that guy is a fucking Lumpy" during a monologue about Obama yesterday. I had no idea what that meant but thankfully he explained later on that he calls all black people "lumpy." No further explanation given. He just gave that rye annoying "see how smart I am" smile that insipid politicians give when they think they're being clever but clearly aren't. Here's a quick summary of some of the highlights -:
- Making the point that when he was a roofer his boss hired a black guy. He didn't elaborate further but just made a "and we all know what that means" face about it.
- Also making a strange comment that there are no black serial killers because, "they're too busy holding up a 7/11." This was also made to an empty room.
- Telling me the ethnicity of certain people he's done work for even though it has no bearing on the story. For example saying, " I was rebuilding an attic for a woman in Memphis - she's a Jew - and it was soooo hot."
- Claiming that he never got into any strife during his brief residency in New York City because, "I look Mexican." He does not.
- He has told repeated accounts of a carpentry job he had a few months back for "two gay guys." Except that suggests that he says "two gay guys" when in fact he seems incapable of actually making an audible sound when he uses the word gay. Instead he very quietly whispers the word gay - so racked with fear and concern about it's pervasive contagiousness that he can't even say the word in case we all wake up gay tomorrow.
- Telling outlandish and clearly made-up stories about his very first job as a garbage man. It would just be some odd way he justifies his racism (which he tells me he learned and wasn't force-fed as a kid - so therefore it's almost a noble racism) by what he's learned from picking up the garbage of different races of people. As in making a comment about how he's learned that black people don't throw out food in their garbage (I have no idea what he thinks this indicates) and that "you know you've crossed the river in Memphis into the slums because everything was burned." Again - not a clue what that infers. But instead the garbage stories are too ridiculous to take at face value because he lies in a way that is so outlandish and absurd that it isn't remotely plausible. Like claiming that once he and his coworkers put an entire Honda Civic into the garbage truck and it ate it up no problem. Logistically and just pragmatically that is ridiculous.
Anyhoo - he works hard enough and tries to not say random shit like that around my son. And she's said out loud that he doesn't believe in "teaching people to be a bigot." Although again this is presented as a noble thing as once you learn about different people bigoted views are apparently the only sensible ones. I was slightly irked by the radio the first few days so I'm glad he's moved over to classic rock. It wasn't even so much the subject matter of Glenn Beck or Rush talked about. Or the common "we all know what Muslims are really like" attitude of it all. But that mashed in with the constant drip-drip about the dangerous looming threat of European/Liberal socialism, American exceptionalism, Christian values presented with malice, angry rants about how dare people idolize Obama like he's almost on the level of Jesus, rants about how dare people not treat Reagan with the idolatry he deserves what with the fact he's almost on the level of Jesus, the fact Obama is a Manchurian secret Moolsim/Communist/Freedom-Vampire, the constant "They Hate America" accusations about anyone who doesn't deride the Obamacare/the Welfare State (except Medicare obviously....), describing the world with apparent facts that would leave an ignorant person (ie - a child) to believe that was how it all actually is prima facie and the sudden new-found war-porn stories about how the War on Terror is just a callous waste of money and human life (but mostly the money part). To be fair when my son took naps the contractor felt mroe comfortable with the radio on out loud so he is at least considerate about that. Then I wondered if it would permeate his brain like those people that learn languages in their sleep. That does work right? On the other hand there's a lot fo hammering, sawing and whatnot going on so my son doesn't hear it all in his slumber. So he may just hear patches of it and grow up to be gay, communist, abortion doctor in California. Talk about back-fire.
Then this morning my wife - stood over my sleeping son on the couch - randomly mentioned a book plot-line about how werewolf imprints sexual lust (I think) in a vampire in a way to force them to always want to have primal sex with them even though they don't like them. That's way worse than snide comments about Joe Biden being dumb.
As long as my son learns not to piss on the floor and leave it there then we're on a winning path.