Monday, October 22, 2012

Boy: Two And A Half - Name Your Price

Son: How dare you. Lying around like a walrus in heat. You should be ashamed. All I ask for is for you to devote EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF YOUR ATTENTION to me. That's all. But no - you want some time for yourself to whinge and moan like a child. Bloody foreigners.

At least that's what it sounds like. He's quite disappointed that I'm not fulfilling his every whim immediately. Obviously he wants me to ignore the fact that even if my back didn't hurt like an absolute bastard that he's being especially fussy. He's had me build train tracks for him and then demolish them in disgust because they just weren't right. He begged for me to sit in the room with him while he played. So I did. But then he castigated me for daring to read a book. In the end I told him I was going back in the other room to a more comfortable couch. I mentioned my back so that he could empathize. Instead he heard, "I hate you. I'm going in the other room to list you on Craiglist. Some idiot around here will take you. Probably just to burn in a wood-stove, but possibly as a scarecrow. And don't try to stop me. My back hurts because I'm frail and pathetic. If you so much as touch me I'll tell your mother that you ate all the Mounds even though I did. She'll believe me over you because I'll tell her my back hurts. And when your back hurts everyone has to do what you say. Because you are just that pathetic. And you know all about pathetic." At least judging by his fury and indignation that's what he heard.

Anyhoo - today I've been really busy but I've nothing really to show for it. Spent the first part of the morning fixing the dryer again. It's squeaking less but still inexplicably isn't actually drying anything on one cycle. All of which was really hard to do because my shoulder blade feels like I've been stabbed. I have no idea what I've done to it but it hurts like an utter bastard. I couldn't even hold the milk in my left hand this morning because the weight of it hurt so much. But I grit my teeth and figured at some point it'd snap, click or do something to stop hurting like it does. No joy there. Then after that the boy and I drove all the way out to pick up some furniture only to be told when we got there that you can't pick stuff up on a Monday. Then when I got home there were two teenagers waltzing about my back yard. They were holding rakes but nothing had actually been raked. They didn't make any effort to say hello and were very much in my back yard so I went to say hello (that code for "who the bloody hell are you?"). They tried to ignore me but no - I wasn't having that. When I asked them if I could help them they said they were working for the neighbor but they'd stay off my land. So I helpfully told them that the everything that isn't behind his house is mine. The teenage boy then chanced his arm and half-joked that I owed him money for the work they'd already done (I can see nothing they'd done by the way). So I half-joked that if he just rakes it back where it was I won't charge him for it.

After we came in I've been ordered to play, read, lie down, hide, read and do absolutely anything that came into my son's head. Some of it is just stupid too. He insisted earlier that I let him shove a toy car about the size of a brick into my mouth. No amount of protesting mad a dent in his desire to do so. I told him it wouldn't fit. He took that as a suggestion to shove it harder. Then I just said no and it was rude. That started off his whole "you never let me do anything you selfish bastard" routine. But because he has a cold he is extremely clingy at the same time. So he just wants me to be with him so that he can - like a demented bi-polar drunkard - tell me he hates me and then deeply apologize so that I'll hold him some more.

Annoyingly last night my son ate the heads off of about eleven broccoli florets. His urine has been delightful today I can assure you. Not that I have to deal with it in particularly intimate ways at all. But the fact that even he called me into the room to ask what the smell was - through the thick layer of snot that's gushing out of his nose as well - should tell you something. He's practically urinating broccoli soup. Still - more irritating for him is that this is his third cold on the bounce. Back to back and all three different version of the same thing that's labelled a cold. This one that really started yesterday is just a wet, flowing river of snot. Which makes a change from the thick, green thing he had last week. Which was a refreshing variation on the painful, throat-spasm cough-based on the week before. It's got to the point with this one that he's just given up asking me to wipe it and he's just smearing it across his face.

Most urgent on his mind is that we go upstairs and play Hide and Seek. Which I did twice already. But he would then all scatter-brained insist we go downstairs and do something else before very angrily wondering why we were suddenly downstairs. Annoyed at how genuinely mental that is and the fact that he'd spent quite a bit of time just angrily yelling "I'm a big boy picture" (a reference to me not letting him use the camera this morning and now he can't let it go) I told him firmly that no - I'm staying where I am and will happily play games here. So we played Hide and Seek on the couch as best we could. He wanted it on video to show his sister so here you go.


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