Friday, October 5, 2012

Stars In All His Eyes


Son: Tonight Matthew I'm going to be convincing my Dad that I might shit in the bath.

Last night my son was trumpeting away before our bath in such a consistent and casual fashion that I was weary about letting him get in. He'd  made two deliveries earlier that day, so the odds of an unwanted bath toy showing up were pretty slim (Dear Google - do me a favor and don't send anyone here who has made a word search for human feces dropped in a bath tub that they've eagerly described as "pretty" and "slim". Thanks). He hasn't done that to me ever either. His mother though has been the welcome recipient of such personal gifts from both children. Although I'm pretty sure that happened well over a year ago from my son. So I had a sense of confidence that we would all be okay here. And although my mind was playing tricks on me about what he'd eaten for dinner (meatballs and cellentani pasta) in that I suddenly had a vile "what-goes-in-must-come-out" irrational fear, I was also aware that he hadn't really eaten very much of it. So the odds of him corkscrewing anything out was pretty unlikely. 

But he was like a little steam engine chuffing away beforehand. And once in the bath he kept it up. After a particularly audible parping I began doing that parenting thing where you just say your child's name and look at them knowingly as a reminder that they should always follow every rule they've ever been given - especially one's about where they defecate. He understood the gravity of the situation (and - I'm hoping - how gravity could be his enemy here) based upon the knowing look I'd given and the loudness of his bottom-burping. If I had to make an analogy to a person I'd go with General Melchett. I think we can all be thankful at this point he hadn't entered Brain Blessed territory (my word that's a lot of wearing). 

Anyhoo - he warbled out another guttural (buttural, even?) blast so I flatly asked him, "Owen, what is your bottom doing?" To which he gleefully responded, "singing!" It's moments like this that I regret my son not being around for the 90'sITV show You Bet. Matthew Kelly would have been in for a real treat there. Because that could have been a real opportunity for a show crossover between You Bet and Star's In Their Eyes. "Tonight Matthew, my anus is going to be Tom Waits!" I'll happily confess too that I tried to shoehorn in a Brown Star In Their Eyes joke here as well, but gave up after most of them just seemed too forced and juvenile. 

And we all know that's just not what this blog is about.

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