Friday, October 26, 2012

The Fork

I think Google is being far to clever for it's own good today. 

The first random visitor to my blog this morning searched for "pretentious hypocrite" and got me. Oh very droll Google. Evidently Google is powerful enough to actually read my mind lately because that's spot on.  Actually I've always been suspicious of the advances in search engines - especially one that clearly sends people searching for unsavory filth to my humble little blog. Even though I'm an educated man a small part of me (no jokes please) still believes that Google isn't big or clever at all. In fact I believe there's no flashy algorithm or anything like that. Instead they've just hired hundreds of millions of Chinese and Indian kids to do manual searches when we type something in. Three or four people deal with a hundred or so people worldwide and all the guff they look up. As someone who is constantly caving into the wanton stupidness of "I wonder what that is?" thoughts in my head I have the two or three dedicated people who do all my searches for me. And on days like yesterday they HATE their job with a vengeance. Why? Because I read an online friend lament about how there is pumpkin in everything in the US at this time of year and instantly found myself looking up "pumpkin Vaseline". Before I knew it I had Googled "bacon lube" (with success by the way) and then genuinely the next search that I made was for John Titor - a guy who showed up on paranormal websites in 2000 claiming with sincerity to be visiting from the future.

There's a weird divergence with this blog. I basically have a few styles of posts I like to write. Most of them are nonsensical. Some are "what me and the kids did" ones. Others are just blathering madness - tenuously related to actual life and based around ideas that I thought were funny. And then - once a week or so - I'll write something relatively serious about parenting, politics or whatnot. Sometimes I really think I've written something funny. This past two weeks (barring the last two days) I actually thought it was funnier than usual. I even had a few people tell me elsewhere that it was "a return to form". That's usually when my numbers drop. And when I write something lengthy and a touch pompous the numbers go up. Which I don't expect at all because those posts are LONG. It's at the same time as the long-winded opinionated posts that the number of visitors who were directed here via vile Google searches increases dramatically.

The irony of which is I write something more meaningful and sensible because I start to think that I've made far too many rude puns, innuendos and dark-jokes. Because that's not who I am. It's part of me obviously. But some of the other sides of me think that guy is a dick. So I'll consider discussing how a larger, more serious issue affects parenting my children. I'll even think about revisiting how my own crisis of faith has affected my parenting and how I sometimes think writing much of this is completely and totally wrong. Usually I'll avoid that though out of fear of sounding preachy. Or a brazen failure for - on the one hand lamenting how turned off I am by a lot of what goes on in American Christianity or churches - whilst making wildly innapropriate jokes about penetrating a dolphin that make me seem very unchristian indeed. Or as Google so presciently noted - like a pretentious hypocrite.

The real divergence though is that when I am more sensible the traffic in seems less so. I wrote about how the pinnacle of the US election season seems to be focused around telling me I might harm my children if I listen to the wrong people and the Google searches were bizarre. Earlier this week after I wrote about how only exposing your kids to what you believe in seems arrogant and wrongheaded I was flooded by people searching for "man fondler" and "between her toes." This seems to happen all the time. The number of people apparently searching for naked "photos" of Ariel from The Little Mermaid and coming to me is alarming. And posting that linked photo of Gaidi di Laurentis' cleavage has opened a sordid door for a strangely large quantity of people obsessed with that woman wobbly bits. I am evidently the world's number one source for information related to "dog licking peanut butter" and the very narrow search term "cow vulva". Add the high number of people who look up "Dan Savage son" is weirdly numerous that it has to be creepy. Not as high by a long shot of people who have Googled, "Harvey the train sex toy" mind you. All I did was mention it once and I probably rival the actual online wholesaler of that item now for hits. The other three major Google-lanches I get are for "cat luggage", "monster munch crisps" and - annoyingly - "farmer porn".

There's plenty that I won't mention because it's bloody horrible. People search for dreadful things. And Google - for some reason - sends them here. And I mean that if you knew some of these people and that they searched for that stuff you'd never speak to them again. Now I'm not an idiot. I get that some of what I joke about is off-color and dark-humored. And I will take the piss sometimes about it. But the really horrible searches that get here make me feel a sense of guilt. Why are they coming here? I'm being silly and vulgar sometimes but I'm not being evil. Not like that.

I don't want this to be a webpage related to any of that. Not remotely. I don't even want this to be a thing that reads like a (not to elevate myself to their level obviously) Frankie Boyle/Charlie Brooker parenting blog. As hilarious as I find Brooker in particular I can't be as caustic and personal as he is with some people. That's just not me. So quite honestly I don't know what to do about it. I like to piss about. And writing this is fun - but maybe the wrong kind of fun sometimes.

Of course it's likely that later on my son will run around half-naked pretending to crap-out Tootsie Rolls all over the house and I'll feel the urge to not only video it but share it here. Hypocrite indeed.

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