Monday, October 1, 2012

The Honey Beef

Me: Well how about a leather flavored burger? Would you eat that?
Daughter: Ewww no way.

Yesterday I took my daughter to a Halloween store. And by store I mean a place so massive you could play a game of football in it - but completely rammed to the rafters with random Halloween stuff in it. It was mostly divided up into thirds so that the scary-as-feck stuff was at one edge, the middle was filled with what I like to call "clothing for sluts" and then comedy costume stuff at the other end. Someone though had decided to ditch their pair of massive comedy plastic tits in the scary third (near the enormous spiders and strangely graphic half-decapitated dummies of children). This should give you some idea of what I'm referring to here. Obviously not as stunning as Melchett's golden ones though. On first passing my daughter just remarked, "Ummm - that's not right." But on a second passing (this time to show her mother the goriest animatronic zombies) she felt the need to stop for awhile to twiddle it's nipples. I left it to her mother to tell her loudly amongst the throng of people mulling over whether to dress like a monster or a massive whore to please leave stop doing that.

First time through the store though I had to remind my daughter that her mother was next door at the grocery store buying beef for burgers. I pointed out that her mother was oddly enthusiastic about an avocado burger, but that she could have any other flavor she liked. As I was surrounded by that  many leather bondage devices - being marketed for the month as playful Halloween items for kids - I made the amusing comparison that maybe we could just buy one of the costumes and eat that instead. Then I told her that leather and beef are the same thing and asked if she found it weird that her shoes and her dinner are essentially the same thing. She did find it weird. Because she knew her she would taste awful. But she loves burgers (although - just like hot dogs - she loves the idea behind them more seeing as she is as fussy about them as with any other meal) so I could see the cogs in her brain whirring through some ideas. The fact that she slowly stuck her tongue out suggested that one idea was maybe she could lick her shoe and compare with her dinner. She didn't do that though thankfully. Although she did wave her foot in the air and blurted out, "MOOOO!!!" at me. I'm hoping she does that at school too.

What she also did though was make me immensely proud by inventing a mutant creature called the Bumble Beef. That happened because earlier that day I'd shown her brother the earwax in his ear whilst cleaning him. When I asked him in a that conversational way you do when narrating what you're doing, "what is this in your ear?!" he instantly replied, "honey." He has much to learn there. And I'm dearly hoping that when I walk into the kitchen in the morning and he and his sister are already eating Cheerios and honey (which my daughter has already served without needing me to do it) that nobody offered to squeeze out any of their own honey to go on top. And we all know how horrid that tastes, right kids? Anyhoo - in the Halloween store there was a massive allegedly-scary wasp outfit. I held it up (I'm looking for additional yellow trimming for my Captain Cheesestick outfit) and my daughter asked what it was. With all that mooing I wobbled it at her and half-buzzed/half-mooed. At which point she shrieked, "Oh no! Bumble Beef!!" That is genius right there. The H. R. Geiger possibilities of that are endless. A massive black-and-white striped flying beast that gushes stinging milk on people? That is truly terrifying. And a Bubble Beef burger would be a visual treat Martha Stewart would gush at (not phyiscally - that's even more terrifying).

Right - I'm taking the boy for an overnight stay at the in-laws. My wife is in the metropolitan idyll of Columbus, OH till late Thursday so a brief stay with his grandparents makes bedtime much easier for me for one night. In the meantime here's a "painting" my daughter made of a ghost for Halloween. She is very good at crafts - but this is basically half a bottle of school glue wanked on a page and then a leaf stuck in it. Obviously it's infinitely better than anything Tracy Emin could ever do in spite of looking quite a lot like what she does.

And before we head up north my son and I had a quick fart about outside in the cold.

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