Thursday, October 4, 2012

The Return Of The Secretary Diary

[October 4th, 2012: School Secretary Lady]

Dear Diary

This morning I had to call that alarmingly sultry British man about his daughter again. She was sick yesterday and he came into the school (one could only imagine...) to pick her up at noon. He scooped her up in his toned British arms and held her to his soothingly hairy face and gave her a kiss. His son - whom I playfully use as a means to flirt with him without coming right out and basically verbally undressing myself - was held deftly in his other arm. Oh how I long for him to hold me like that. Not exactly like a small boy obviously. But safely, strongly and like he knows he's the real alpha male in his family. In total control of his son. Frankly if he felt compelled to change my underpants I wouldn't complain too strongly. 

Anyway - his daughter was sick again today. Her fever was as hot as I imagine he would be covered in Nutella. Recently he's given up shaving and has begun to resemble a strangely sexy man-bear. No - he's too svelte and lean to be a bear. Maybe a baboon or a man/stoat - but sexy. He always had a lingering hotness about him but over the last 6 months he has really leaned up. Someone cruelly asked him once if he had cancer or some other life-threatening disease. Well let me tell you that he must have the sexiest cancer that you can get. Then one of the teaching staff mentioned that he is often spotted about town on long distance runs - sashaying and sweating his way through the damp, wet alleyways of the village. He's clearly working hard to impress someone. You'd assume it was his wife - but it's awfully convenient that he makes the excuse of picking his daughter up at school without her every day. 

Add - he told me that once his wife arrives home from a trip away that he should shave as she finds it ridiculous. I know of a few places I'd like to find that hairy face. Evidently she's often away at work. He sounds very proud and impressed by her. But we here at the school let him know how impressive he is - looking after his two children alone while the wife is living it up large in Ohio. And we all know the mayhem women can get up to in Ohio. It's renowned as practically being a topless disco some evenings. And yet he stayed home being what can only be described as the finest father I have ever witnessed. His daughter's teacher even told him he was Dad Of The Year earlier this week because he is taking care of both kids himself and helped his daughter make an amazing school project. He did seem somewhat surprised that everyone from us office women, the nurse, two kindergarten teachers, the librarian, a few of the women picking up kids and the music teacher knew that he was home alone during the evenings. Not just because of the fact that we all knew which day that would end - but also because more than one of us mentioned that it was an awfully long time to be home without company. Still - we all managed to tell him that being alone like that meant he was an excellent parent. Obviously that would be massively patronizing if he was a woman and was told that. Add in reality it is a backhanded compliment because it suggests that because he's a dad that he should just be phoning it in instead of actually doing things with his kids. But whatever. And I realize that being English and saying things in a funny accent has nothing to do with fatherhood ability - but we in the office all agreed that it should be, so therefore he's clearly the best around. 

Lastly his daughter told us in the nurses office before going home today that her father has an alter-ego of Captain Cheesestick and sometimes records video of himself frolicking about the house. One can only imagine. And more importantly are these videos available through the women's erotic video club that I'm a member of? And if not by God why not? Still - when he arrived today I playfully called him Captain Cheesestick. He didn't blush at all. No - he merely glanced at the other office secretary and the nurse and asked how much she'd told us about his nom de plume. So I said, "why don't you explain exactly what it is Captain Cheesestick does?" That might have seemed too forward and suggestive to ask. But I could tell he liked that it was deliberately rude even though it was asked inside the nurses office of an elementary school.

He is keeping his daughter home from school tomorrow. So neither I, the nurse or the other women in the office will get to see his stoat-pelt cheeks tomorrow (NB-: make sure you rewrite this part about stoat fuzz - it's completely ridiculous and will make people think your face looks like a marsupial's arse. And really - tone down the "oh he's so sexy" bollocks. People can look you up you know and will be sorely disappointed once they see you actually haven't shaved for nearly two weeks. You don't look sexy. You look like a cross between a homeless man and a gay lion ). 

But honestly - I can just close my eyes and see him in a way I can only dream he'd show up at the school like. And that way he wouldn't be arrested or put on a special list. 

The End.

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