This is a cheap and vulgar moment.
My daughter was rescued from school today at noon. Since coming home I've tried to play as many games as possible that have nothing to do with Thomas the Bloody Tank Engine (banned for a day) or touch on the idea of Halloween at all. I need some respite from that nonsense. Frankly if I had my own way I'd sit in the corner with a blanket, next to my now-empty bag of kettle chips (pardon me, by the way), a nice cup of tea whilst reading C.S. Lewis's The Screwtape Letters. To be honest I was listening to it on audio but John Cleese is the one reading it. And despite him doing a rather stellar job of it there's something odd and strange about Cleese pretending to be a senior demon in a book about the breeding of gradual doubt in Christians. I kept picturing Cleese in his blue suit and stern gaze in 1979 defending why The Life Of Brian as not ridiculing Christ at all, but about the absurdity in everything and that they were ridiculing some of those involved in Christianity (Tim Rice repeats that point in plain English when the two Catholic men refuse to accept that). Which is not to say at all that Cleese reading it is wrong, but just that I kept hearing his point to Malcolm Muggeridge that his faith is unshakeable not due to his resolve against gradual doubt because to him doubt isn't allowed on principle therefore to admit it is a sin in itself.
Nevertheless I didn't do that and we played silly games instead. The primary one being The Burglars. My daughter - as you'd expect - was The First Burglar. My son - although he angrily rejects the notion of being involved at all - was to be known as The Second Burglar. And I was repeatedly reminded that I am The Secret Third Burglar. Sadly with my daughter's slight-mumbling as she hurried through the twists and plot-changes I kept hearing her warning others that that sounds an awful lot like The Secret Turd Burglar was in the house and was going to get everyone.